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melmyree , 02 Apr 2013

just getting it off my chest.

First off. I'm so glad I found this site... I'm Mel, and I have self diagnosed myself with dermotillomania. I've done it for as long as I can remember. I even have pictures on Christmas morning where I can clearly see I'm picking my thumbs raw. Fast forward 3 years, I'm engaged and have a 2 year old at age 19. If you would've asked me what my life would be like in 2013. I would give you a completely different life plan. Although I'm happy where I am. I feel like if I went to see a psychiatrist about all ky underlying issues, I'd be there for awhile. First, I was a drug baby, and due to that I was born with severe cleft palate, (where you don't have a roof to your mouth), and I grew up without a mother. I love my dad for taking me and being mom and dad. So the day I had to tell him I was pregnant, was horrible. I would never had thought two weeks later I'd find him dead on the couch due to severe asthma attack. Those next couple weeks were the worst couple weeks of my life. And will continue to be. I had lost my dadi , I had to watch as all his stuff was thrown away against my will by q man who would soon after divorce my grandma, only before he broke her back though. I was thrown around house to house, before finally settling to living with my aunt, who promised me lots of things I now know I'd neverget. I've never thought about my life being the cause of why I do pick, but now I'm realizing its exactly why I do it. Out of hatred for my mom, sorrow for my dad, pity for my grandmother. I hate it. But I can't stop. AMD I probably never will. Somedays it just hurts. I wonder why I've been given the life I've been given and i think its because someone knew I could handle. But somedays? I just can't. Ans that's why I self harm by picking.... Somedays I can't even do dishes because even the water hitting my thumbs hurts to bad. But I guess thats better than just breaking down everyday... Its a simple price I have to pay... thank you for letting all that come out.

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