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swansong , 21 Apr 2013

At my wits end...having death thoughts :(

Hi Everyone, I'm a 30 year old woman who only over the last few days found out that this is a legitimate psychological illness. I've struggled with trich, as I started pulling out my pubic hair after I was raped, but I didn't know what to make of my skin picking, other than feeling like a freak. I have a severe case of this disease. I was abused as a child, I've suffered through several miscarriages, an abusive marriage (now over), sexual assaults and lost custody of my 5 year old after a suicide attempt. Despite fighting in court for over a year, getting a lawyer and voluntarily admitting myself into an inpatient treatment center for 3 months, the judge said I was too "emotionally unstable" to raise a child and my baby was given up for adoption to her foster parents. I've become a recluse. I only leave the house to get groceries or go to the doctor, and for 6 months I actually paid someone else to do it for me. I wear long sleeves/baggy pants at all times year round. My entire body is covered in little sores and scabs from picking. I currently have an eye infection because I can't stop picking the goobers from my eyes. I pick my nose until it bleeds. I scratch and pick at my head and pubic hair. I probably spend a good 5-6 hours a day picking at myself. I only get about 4-5 hours of sleep, broken up in small naps, a day. I'm currently on antibiotics for the 3rd time in the last 2 months. I'm assuming I've damaged nerves in my skin because I feel like I'm being stung by wasps all over. I itch, burn and throb. In case you're wondering, I do NOT do drugs or drink. I've been trying unsuccessfully to get into a psychiatrist or psychologist for over 2 years. I'm on medicare/medicaid due to disability, so there is only one place I can go for mental health help and it is inundated with thousands of waiting patients, and only about a dozen psychiatrists. I've seen several different doctors, I've done counseling, I've done dialectical behavioral therapy, I take zoloft, nothing works. I try to keep my hands busy at all times...I spend most of my time chatting and blogging online (the typing keeps my fingers busy). I'm also in college full time online. I can't watch movies/tv or read books anymore because it leaves my hands idle. Nobody seems to realize what a big deal this is, and doctor's don't even know what it is most the time, thus they refuse to treat me. I'm written off as a meth head, and when my drug screen comes back clean, they then tell me I'm engaging in "self harming" behaviors and need anti depressants and "hobbies" and that they don't feel comfortable trying to treat me, that I need a psychiatrist. But I can NOT get into one! I have severe physical health issues and chronic pain, and picking has become a method of escaping the agony and going into a trance/out of body state (disassociation?). I went to the hospital suicidal a few days ago, crazy in pain and clawing at myself and they just gave me an ativan and sent me home. One dose of ativan. That's it. I want to make it very clear that I do NOT want to die and I do NOT want to kill myself. I do know myself and my history well enough, however, to know that I can make really stupid impulsive decisions in a moment of panic and pain. My worry is that it will all build up and in 5 minutes of being out-of-control/hysterical, I'll hurt or kill myself, feeling in that moment that there's no other way out of this hell, and the pain and anxiety I'm in. I'm very good at reaching out to people if I feel that way, but if I don't find some help soon, I'm afraid there will come an hour I'm losing it so much that I won't be in the right frame of mind to follow my suicide safety plan and will make a horrible decision. I'm just really starting to lose hope that I'll find help.
4 Answers
April 22, 2013
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and I thank you for sharing your experience. I'm not a counselor..I don't have any advice. But know that you are not alone and you have friends here. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. you have a social worker? I am a social work major and will be an intern in a child welfare agency soon..It is supposed to be their job to connect you with the resources and services you need.
April 29, 2013
Please don't lose hope. I do not know u. But I empathize with ur story. I feel love and compassion towards you. I know you would be sadly missed if you took ur own life. I'm here to offer support and find a friend who may be able to relate to me and understand. { female, 28 }
April 29, 2013
I feel the same way in regards to the possibility of an unwanted suicide taking my life...
April 30, 2013
Oh hun, I feel your pain, I have been picking at acne spots for the last 9 yrs and I myself feel like this is to much to bear at times. Just this morning I got into my face and really scabbed it up but I don't want to lose out on the beauty of life that was bestowed on me from my heavenly father above and if for no other reason- my children, our children need us. Please don't stop fighting the fight, I know its can get better, for both of us. I will be praying for you, please don't give up the fight, its never too late!

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