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potatoes , 11 May 2013


I have been having constant relapsing and I'm assuming this isn't going to be the last. At the moment, my blemishes which are lots of scabs are covered in sudocrem. I can also trick myself that I have clear skin. My t zone area is fine, just my damn U Zone. I had done really well to not really pick for a week, I had an exciting week and previous scabs were coming off. So that the only thing I had worried about was now getting rid of the blotchy pigmentation. But something set me off again, I was irritable that my pigmentation wasn't fading sooner, mirrors under different lighting made me look much more spottier under makeup. Which is why I can't wait to stop wearing makeup because it highlights all the million tiny spots on my face that I didn't even know were there. The only reason I wear makeup still because of the stupid blemishes. Spots would not even bother me even if it was red because I know a few red spots is bearable than some dark blotchy pigmentation. The other day, I spent the whole day giving my face a "clean up". Even though I knew perfectly well that this was bad etc etc, I just couldn't stop. I keep forgetting. Surely small blackheads stuck in my skin is better than wounds. It's really stupid, because when I pick at a little something such as a tiny trapped blackhead, nobody can see it anyway because I will probably cover it in makeup. But because I pick at it, it makes it worse and then looking worse under makeup. I feel I also have some comfort when I have a few scabs on my face and feeling the rough texture of. It gives me reassurance that it is thicken dead skin that will eventually fall off and gives a sense of time for it to work its way. However when the scabs off, I still look at myself in disgust at times, miserable for picking in the first place, then having these marks and minor pitted scars as a reminder. Even though these marks surely are much better than the first stages of a picked wound, red face and scabs. Like I said I forget that picking can bring so much harm despite literally knowing of it so many times.
3 Answers
May 19, 2013
Every day is a new day! Every second is a new second. Good luck. I find lots of lotion to keep my face hydrated really helps.
May 19, 2013
Sudocrem seems a surprising choice to me I can understand your need for the healing process which which sudocrem is associated with in my mind at least. It's just the heaviness and oiliness of it which that surprises me. Also it seems far more likely to add to the pore clogging / blackheads. When you mention hating covering it up with make up that's something that really gets to me as well. The state of my skin is the only reason I use it. I like to feel as if my skin can breath, so when I'm in the 'damage control' process I tend to clean the skin with tea tree oil - to get rid of any bacteria and hopefully minimize inflammation / redness in the long run, then I put on a moisturizing Vitamin E mask which I got from Boots. Its really light and makes the scabbiest scabs feel less rough. Its kind of expensive but it lasts ages. The blackheads thing is something that really gets me (and so far I haven't seen anyone else mention it), I'm pretty certain I would never have had a (perceived) acne problem or the ridiculously enlarged pores on my face except that I started picking. The 'knowing' thing is deceptive coz I punish myself and feel guilty for doing it despite 'knowing better'. Do you really know better if you cant tell yourself exactly why it started and why you still do it? I have the same, nobody else notices those black heads reasoning with myself as well. I actually took this reasoning a step further the other day. I was talking to my friend who never wears makeup - she's absolutely stunning. But I noticed that she had very visable pores and a few black heads. I know I seem like a judgmental bitch to have made note of them like that. But it made me say to myself, in the years I've known her I've never noticed that and now that I have do I think her any less beautiful or see differently in any way? No. You see that's my absolute fear for some reason - that people will see my skin with all its blackheads (never mind the scarred picking aftermath) and feel nothing but revulsion and judgement. I sometimes look in the mirror and feel exactly that. But I don't feel that way about anyone else, even with the worst skin conditions going, the most I would ever feel is sorry for someone and hope they can get treatment or at the very least not feel the way I do about my skin. I know I'm going to be permanently scarred because of my habit/addiction/compulsion/weakness but I'm looking forward to the day that I can look at those scars (or even the enlarged pores) and see them as battle wounds. Life gives them to everyone. I'm coming round to looking at the picking positively - if we didn't do it we wouldn't be looking for a way to stop. In our quest to stop picking we will at some point be forced to deal with whatever it is internally we are refusing to face.
You Are Not Crazy
July 05, 2013
Wow. Glad I found this website. It would be nice if a therapist would be nice enough to tell us why we do this to ourselves. Right now I am limping from picking the bottom of my right foot on the ball of my foot. I have peeled the hard skin off til I am bleeding. Now it hurts really bad. It always starts with some kind of trauma that I cannot deal with. The only thing that has kept me focused is my relationship with Jesus. But I still relapse sometimes and hurt myself. I started hurting myself when I was a little girl because I could not handle the way my Mother was. I would zone out and before I knew it would be bleeding. Still cannot deal with her but at this point she is 85. It is not that she is a bad person. It is she yells and says nasty things to this day that make me want to claw her eyes out. The worst part is that she sees nothing wrong with her actions and never will. My sister and I love her but despise her personality. My worst fear is that I am like my Mother. I pray I am not but deep inside I know I have some of her traits I do not like about her in me. Needless to say, I want yall to know you are not alone. I know my issue is genetic. My Mother picks huge holes in her body and pulls out all the hair on her body. Relatives on her side - pull their hair out all over their body and skin pick. I inherited it and now my daughter has the symptoms. She pulls her hair out strand by strand. As a child, I bit my nails to the moon on both hands and feet along with all skin surrounding fingers and toes. There was no hair pulling to speak of but when I went through a divorce, I began pulling my lashes. It has always been something but only triggered by trauma or something I did not want to do but had to do it anyway. I am writing all this so if there is anyone like me, you are not alone and there are many in my family like us. Lexapro 10 mg a day is a good start to relief but sometimes that does not stop a relapse. My husband tells me not to say anything because he is afraid people will judge me and call me crazy. I think he is ashamed of what I do? He definitely does not understand it. I do not understand it for that matter. I am to the point in my life where I want to shout it to the world that I do this and I am not crazy. Anyway, for those who have trichotillomania and do not know about permanent makeup. It is a blessing for the ladies who pull their brows and lashes out as you can still look "normal" and not have lashes and brows because you pulled them out. Something about having the permanent brows and eyeliner helps not to pull. Just FYI. Whoever made this site, thank you for doing so. It is nice to know we are not alone. God bless!

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