I've posted on here a few times before, but i've never really embraced a regular routine of writing about my progress. Not sure if this is the start of my "progress report", but it definitely makes me feel better to write out my feelings/thoughts/ideas/struggles on this forum.
My skin looks horrible right now. I look like a hideous monster.. Just to give a glimpse of what's hiding under my baggy gray t-shirt: red, raw, scabby, rough, splotchy, bumpy, scarred ugliness. My main picking areas on my body are my upper arms, shoulders, back, and chest. Currently, all of these areas are covered in either freshly picked wounds, scabs, scars, or tiny whiteheads/pimples begging for me to pop them. This is magnified ten fold on my face however, since that is my main area that i tend to pick at. Even my lips are raw and have a layer of skin peeling from the top from a recent pick sesh. It's not an exaggeration to say I hate myself. I don't hate who I really am, the girl who hides inside me and refuses to come out to play.. I yearn for her. I hate the me who picks my skin. The part of me that destroys the real me. I hate her. I'm sick of picking my skin and I'm ready to stop.
So i came up with a new game plan, a 3 day challenge. Normally, I can go a few days without picking and with little urges, but around the third day I usually break down and relapse. I used to be able to go a week, or maybe two, or if i REALLY was strict on myself even a month or two.. but now that I'm in my 20's it's really escalated. This thought terrifies me because it means I'm on a path to full-blown destruction. I mean the other day I woke up at a boy's house and i was FREAKING PICKING my face, not realizing i wasn't in the safe haven of my own bed. I mean i was genuinely going at it, desperately trying to pop anything i could with my nails, and then i fully woke up and realized that i wasnt at home.. the boy was still asleep luckily, but I was disgusted at myself for the whole day. It's not unusual for me to wake up picking.. I actually do that quite often. For me, it's about the actual feeling of popping a pimple with my nails and feeling the gunk leave my face, then I like to sort of play with the white stuff and roll it around between my fingers before flicking it away. God this sounds ultra disgusting when I write it out! Anyway, the 3 day challenge goes as follows: When i go 3 full days without picking (this began at midnight tonight) I'm going to reward myself with one clothing item (or accessories, shoes, etc) and one self-pampering thing (either a mani/pedi, massage, eyebrow waxing, get my hair done, etc.). So this way i'll continue to feel good about myself and the way i look, and it will motivate me to continue to not pick! When I do break down and pick, even a little, i won't be getting these rewards and perks. I'm going to be very strict with myself about this. I decided to do a positive reinforcement challenge instead of a disciplinary one, because I already punish myself enough when i pick.. I rarely do nice things for myself and this will be a good way to remind me that I dont need to feel like complete shit just because I have a habit I don't have under control. This is my way of hopefully gaining some control! I'll write updates about this 3 day challenge, and if it works or even just helps a little i'll be happy. I'm a skin picker with the worst self discipline EVER, so if i can quit this... we all can :)