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TheDeformedBea… , 31 May 2013

The ravaged, torn-apart face that i have not seen in 5 years.

I have not seen myself in a very long time. Due to the repetitive and relentless war I wage on my face every second of the day, I have not looked in a mirror in years. I have learned to conceal my skin in the dark, with no mirror. I have taught myself to do my eye makeup with a tiny mirror, only so I can see my eyes. I don't know what I look like any more. I miss my smile. I am ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed for my boyfriend. I have now stopped looking others in the eye because I cannot bare to see them scan my horrible war zone of a face. I am terrified to leave my house day or night. Not even darkness can dull the ugly that I am. With every compulsive pick, scratch, scrub, poke, my soul weakens. If only my tears healed my raw, painful skin. I am held captive by my disease. My happiness is held captive by my disease. The person I once was is dead. Why am I enslaved by this? 5 years since I have seen my own smile? Since I have seen the dimples on my cheeks? Since I have seen my own nose? I cannot fathom even the smallest glance at myself. I couldn't handle it. I know I am a spectical. an embarrassment, a disgrace. I am not even human. I am a monster. I waste away day after day. The pain I endure because of this is and has been detrimental to every aspect of my life. I want to look people in the eyes. I want to just go outside to get the mail. I want to be normal. I can safely say I hate myself. I need help. Feeling trapped in my self-inflicted wounds that wont heal, that I wont let heal. I have never in my life told anyone about my affliction. But my depression has gone to far for me to mask with fake smiles any longer. I am scared of one more day of this. Help. Please. Help me see myself again.
1 Answer
June 01, 2013
Hi there...Your comment really touched me and I had to reach out to you. Please understand that you are a beautiful person. Do not let skin picking hide the amazing you from the world! I urge you to seek the guidance of a physician. Tomorrow is a new day. A day to do something positive for yourself and your future. I too have suffered like you, in tremendous darkness and depression. It wasn't until I found these boards and realized that there are actually "others out there like me" that I began to seek help. After 20 long years of suffering in silence, I finally told my doctor and my husband. They both have been extremely supportive. Additionally, I have found a fairly good skin regime, which has limited my picking. You too, can come out from behind the shadows into the light. Shine, girl, shine. xxx

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