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thatonegirl , 14 Mar 2009

just when i think nobody gets it

so, growing up, i always had the urge to pick. my mom would tell me to stop (i guess she just thought it was because i was a little kid) but i never could. now im a senior in high school and i still can't. the obsession has kept me from doing so much that i've wanted to do. i don't go to the beach with my friends, i quit the sport i was in because it was getting to where it would show while wearing the uniforms we wore, im not going to my senior prom because they dont make formal dresses that cover what i need covered. for a long time, up until this past summer actually, i didn't know about compulsive skin picking. i thought i just had a sick obsession that i couldn't help. i know what im doing to myself and yet i cant help but sit in front of my bathroom mirror and look for something else to pick at. i would love to tell everybody i see everyday whats wrong so i didnt have to act all the time. ive had anxiety issues for a long time, as long as i can remember, but i haven't been able to tell people. i'm too scared to. my parents don't even know. the one person who knows is my boyfriend. i told him because i had to explain why i wouldnt do certain things and really, more than anything, i needed to get it off my chest. even though ive told him, i still don't let him see it because i want to get better first. even if he sees the hundreds of scars, i don't want him to see it while its happening. i just pray that it won't always be happening. he says he doesn't care and that he loves me no matter what but theres no way of explaining how i feel. i appreciate that he says he doesn't care, but i still care. i don't want to be like this and it makes me so sad when i think about something being so wrong in my head that it literally makes me tear myself apart. i used to just cry after i'd see what i'd done to myself and ask myself 'why can't you just stop?' i still wonder why im like this. i've always been a little more shy, nervous, anxious, cautious, but theres nothing that i can blame this on. i can't explain what i feel through the whole process to my boyfriend and i dont know anybody else with the problem. after feeling so distant for so long, i decided that maybe if i knew somebody, it wouldn't be so hard. if someone would just say "im just like you and we're going to be okay" i would feel so much better about everything. that led me here. after reading other peoples forums, i dont feel so disconnected. like i have a family that i don't even know. sometimes all that's needed is a little empathy i guess. if you're reading this, i may not know you, but i appreciate you, and with you here, i dont feel so alone. so thanks
1 Answer
March 14, 2009
I can relate to you too, even thoough that waas something goes wrong in my head and due my picking sessions. I only have two slip-ups last night. I just wanting to let it out first then I will feel better when I'm done picking. Really? your boyfriend still cares about you the way you looks. I think he wanting to know how you really explaining to him about your feelings and I think it's very important to being honest with your boyfriend. I guess your relationship is trying to make it work. Why don't you wear a shawl to cover on your formal dresses to your sienior prom? I always wear a jacket to cover the tank-top cause I'm chilly and didn't want anybody see me like this. You have to talk to someone like you trust with. My three best friends trust me in my own problem and they didn't know that it will be a worse habit I'm having. I didn't tell my family about it yet but I just finished writing a letter last Monday. I hope they will being honest with me for who I am now. My mother caught me a few times while i was growing up. I started picking when I was 9 years old and she would tell me to stop it or I might to get a infections. Lastly, Your not alone in here! we are going to get through this picking-free soon. Hope this helps you out today.

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