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cherrycolalola , 01 Apr 2009

new to the forum...lessons in confidence?

Hi everyone, Im am so so happy to have found this site.I very recently decided that I needed more support in order to stop my skin picking and self-harm. I tried to research skin picking a few years ago and didn't come up with much, mostly abandoned forums, so this is great. I've been picking since I was 13, so six years now.It was triggered when a girl in class mentioned how gross the blackheads on my nose were. I then mentioned this to my mother and she made some comment about how I could squeeze the them out and how everyone does it. I remember how much I felt trapped in my supposed "ugliness" ...sick to my stomach with self-hate. and then discovering an immediate way to get rid of that(the feeling i thought i was stuck with and couldnt stand) I know other people who do it(friends of mine with similar family backrounds)but I have never talked to anyone about it other than my therapist.Even so we never went into detail about it. It's hard to do that with someone who doesnt pick. It is such a shame-ridden and isolated disorder. Ive found one of the best ways to deal with it is to try and NOT hide. I've spent so much time covering up with makeup and under my hair..its been all-consuming. I try sometimes to just let my skin be. To accept that I am just trying to cope the best that i can, however dyfucntional my methods may be. BUT it can get really hard. Im wondering if anyone else has tried to do the same, and if so how do you maintain the confidence to go out into the world? I become paranoid about the scrutiny I feel I will recieve from everyone I come in contact with, whether they voice it or not. I worry people will see me as disgusting and weird. (I know some of this is pathalogical...since picking has a lot to do with getting the "ugliness or dirt" out of myself. I find it interesting that those feelings of self-hate and disgust on the inside have manifested now on the outside. and that by wanting to make my skin perfect I have done the exact opposite.) I used to think my skin was SOOO bad, if only i had known how much worse I would make it. I so badly want to go back in time and stop myself. Also, one thing that I think I need to do is "come out" to people im close to. I somehow feel this is really important to my recovery but I'm having a hard time getting to that point. It sort of feels like Im at the edge of a cliff and about to jump off, and there will be no going back.which scares the hell out of me.I'd be interested in hearing how other people here have done this.How the person reacted How you felt etc.Anyway I am so grateful to have found this site. Its a relief to share my story.

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