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April 05, 2009

I am 25yrs old, i am single, own my own home, love singing in my spare time in clubs and pubs, have a good job and lots of great friends and a loving family...why do i destroy my pretty face!? i have been squeezing, picking, peeling my face since i was about 18yrs old. I think i remember the start of it was when my relationship with my boyfriend began to break down. i'd been told i was "Miss Perfect" "Never puts a foot wrong" "Never makes mistakes" "Always right" and i felt this was one is perfect after all. Just because i work hard and try do the right things in life doesn't make me a bad person. I never brag or patronize others and simply take people as i find them and am always willing to learn and understand and help others. Myself and no one else deserves to be mistreated for other people's jealousy. I think subconsciously i began searching out these imperfections on my face, however small and undetectable to others and began the painful process of hacking away! like many of you have said, i get a feeling of satisfaction to "get rid" of whatever may be lurking under the skin. but i also know that the result will leave my face in a complete mess, where as if i'd have just left it alone, it would have been coverable with makeup and would have gone in a few days. What i leave myself with is a huge hole in my face, blood, bruising and scabs which eventually scar because even after the spot/puss has been squished, i can't seem to leave it there, it still feels like there's more to be had and i can stand there going at this one area for an hour. All the while i'm telling myself, right that's enough now you're going to make a mess, come away from the mirror, walk away, leave it....i carry on until it either hurts so bad or i actually wake up like a lot of you have said from the trance like state and listen to myself and walk away. I have noticed that i seem to stop the harming when i feel happy and content with myself and pre-occupied but it doesn't seem to last long. When me and my boyfriend split after i left him when i was about 22 i tried to move on and do more for myself. i love travelling and the sun and excitement of exploring a new place seems to occupy me enough to not feel the need to analyze my face. i bought my own place and decorated and everyone seemed to think i was doing ok. i knew it was just a front. it was what i wanted but i still really didn't feel the self worth. i have started going on the sunbeds to see if it helps my skin and scars fade. i used to put stickers on my mirrors to tell me to Do Not Pick..but nothing seemed to work if i felt the need to i would go ahead and do it anyway. I have since had another failed relationship with a guy who turned out to be a nasty piece of work who really brought my self esteem to a low but i found strength of character from somewhere and took him to court for assaulting me and he was found guilty and is being sentenced this month. i think all this has contributed to my lack of self esteem again which started from my teens and i have struggled with it ever since. no one seems to believe me when i say i lack confidence as i sing, they see me as a confident talented person, but it's not how i feel inside. i hope that if i get help with my confidence i may be able to stop the face wrecking because i think i deserve to. This website is brilliant. i didn't know whether i was being daft and if everyone else knows not to squeeze to the extent i do, so reading everyones comments on here has helped tremendously as i know it's not just me. today my dad couldn't even bring himself to look at me because i have ruined my face so bad ,and that really hurts. i just told him to shut up and that hurts too because he is only concerned and loves me and doesn't want me to do this to myself. i feel i should show my parents this site. They worry about me when they see the state i leave my face in. it doesn't help when they keep saying stop it, and, why do you do it?, leave your face alone etc etc...i find it hard to tell my parents how i feel inside because i feel i sound ungreatful for all that i have in my life, i know i appear succesful but it's difficult to cope with when you're made to feel like you're a show off. i abhore show offs! i would never behave like that. i come across quite quiet when talking to new people and it takes a while for people i work with to get to know me. I drink a lot sometimes just so it's easier to mingle and to come across fun. It certainly helps just writing about it on here. sorry if i've gone on and on...Maybe others think like me? good luck to us all who suffer from this pointless disorder, i hope we all sort ourselves out because life would be much happier if we believed in ourselves more and had more respect for our selves. i know it's easier said than done, i'm taking the steps to try stop and will continue to read people's stories on here and maybe there will be some stories of hope where people have stopped alltogether..i hope so, it would help us all to read that! You are welcome to contact me at x