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anon316 , 04 Sep 2013

Hoping I can quit before starting college

I cant really remember when I first started picking, I guess I feel like Iv been doing it all my life. Sometimes I feel like this disorder defines me and other times I look back on my life and feel like it has taken over my past and has kept me from experiencing the joys of growing up. Im 19 now and about to move to college. Im sick of looking back with regret. I was diagnosed with dyslexia in 2nd grade and then put on ADD medication at age 10 and I feel like that has caused a lot of the anxiety and stress I have felt over the years along with my lack of confidence. Its been a continual cycle for as long as I can remember so I cant really figure out where to start. What I can remember is reoccurring situations as I would lie in bed in the morning as my mom would try to get me out of bed to get ready for school. I would think to myself, "I just went to bed an hour ago because I finally got myself to stop picking". I would refuse to get out of bed because I was too scared to see my reflection in the mirror. I tried to avoid the bathroom throughout the evenings and finally when I couldn't stay up any longer I would run to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face and then stare in the mirror for a slight moment. After that I dont even know what happens to me. I feel like something takes over my body. Hours pass and I dont even realize. I finally back away from the mirror and dont even recognize myself as I have totally destroyed my face and scraped away most of my skin. Even though it looks terrible at the moment, I know from experience that my face will look even worse in the morning because everything is just waiting to scab up. For the majority of high school my face was covered in scabs. I would refuse to go to school and show my face, or if the scabs where not as bad as usual, I would spend extensive amounts of time trying to cover them up or I would try to avoid being seen through the halls. I would even sneak into my car during lunch so people wouldn't see me. After 2 years of being in a private high school, I decided to leave and go to a public school. I saw improvement as I was less stressed out. Although I have depicted myself as a very lonely person, I surprisingly have always had many friends. Not to seem arrogant but It was never hard for me to make friends, but keeping them was a different story. I frequently disappear from the social scene when my picking habits start up. I feel like I haven't been able to keep a stable group of friends, boy friend, or keep up my grades because my picking habits take over my body and I loose all contact and focus with the outside world. I have also struggled with depression and have been put on every antidepressants you can think of. I feel like my picking habits have triggered all my other issues within my life. I look back at old pictures of myself and want to cry. When I see my pictures from freshman year I feel like im looking at a model in a magazine and wishing I looked just like her. I feel like I cant even go to a party and feel confident anymore. This is the very first time I have come out and shared these feelings or even written them out, so Im hoping that after writing my story down, I might be able to begin to find a way to put my life back on track and loose this terrible habit that has been effecting me for so long. I dont know if anyone will read this, but if they do, I apologies for the long and probably unreadable post but if anyone has any advise on how I can start my new life in college on a good note and hopefully fight off this habit I would be more than appreciative.
1 Answer
September 04, 2013
Hi there. i know exactly how that feels. i was in the same situation and for two years i picked at any blemish that i could find on my face. it was awful, it impacted my relationship with my family, friends and boyfriend, inhibited my performance in my HSC (grade 12 exams) and completely changed my personality. i was once confident, happy, carefree and bubbly. while i was picking, i was self-conscious and embarrassed and felt ugly, i spent the most of the past two year locked in my room too ashamed to see anyone. i recently started university and it was my goal to stop picking by the time classes started. although thats not how it happened, i have finally stopped. its been three weeks, and i have no urge whatsoever to pick anymore! i am so happy im getting my life back. everything you said i can relate to, im here for support and just know things will get better and you can overcome this! i did ! :) xxxx

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