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thebeautifulugly , 21 Nov 2013

midnight-- Day 1... We've all been there

I'm not sure anyone in my life would understand my compulsion. My midnight fresh starts. My shame. My cycle of hating myself and learning to try and love myself. My struggle for clear, unmarked skin, despite the constant urge to dig into it with my weapons of choice... my fingernails. But you will. All of you here will understand and empathize with EXACTLY what I'm feeling, exactly what I mean. And I'm so grateful I'm not alone. I don't know why we all have this compulsion to pick our skin.. I've read enough of this forum to know that anyone, ages youthful to old, man or woman, people from all backgrounds and all kinds of childhoods can have this affliction. It's comforting. And terrifying. Because I don't want to feel that anyone else on this earth has to feel the same self loathing that I do after I pick my skin. Yes, it's an immediate release, a quick wave of pleasure that washes over us and allows us to truly feel, truly become in touch with ourselves if only for a moment...but this is ultimately followed by a almost unbearable amount of shame and disgust. How can we do this to ourselves??! Is it that we don't want to succeed? That we're trying to sabotage this beautiful life we've found ourselves struggling in? It breaks my heart to think that I can feel this way because of something I'm doing to myself. I hate it. I hate this so so so much. And yet, the feeling somehow becomes fleeting, I forget how much I regret picking when I'm in the moment and I'm blindly tearing away at my own skin. I get lost in the tragic mirror orbit that we all know so well. The familiarity of my fingers squeezing at my skin, the lost, faraway look in my eyes that I see In the mirror when I finally break away from focusing on the imperfections on my skin. Who is this girl? Why does she hate me so much? How can I claim to have so much motivation, an undeniable amount d of self control, only to break at the slightest impulse... why. I know we all wonder this... and I know we don't all fully understand it. But deep deep deep down, I know there's a way. And I might be 23 now and have almost ten years of picking under my belt.. but I haven't lost hope. I haven't lost the notion that with enough willpower and determination, I can destroy this. Because otherwise.... it will destroy me.
2 Answers
November 22, 2013
I know how you feel. It feels like just magic or some inhumane handcuffing would help us not to pick. I don´t know how a therapy would help. We are fully aware that we could just stop and what this picking is about. I´ve imagined I need to be put into a crazy people´s ward and tied together and let others wash my face and not see a mirror for a year. Right now I´m in a really bad state because I used baking soda in hope to reduce the oilyness of my skin but everything turned out worse, more pimples and stuff. So I took a picture of myself for myself. I will take every time I wash, and prove myself that it´s the best not to pick, even with acne. What if you come here every time you know you are going to pick.. Write us something. Or do a mask instead... or try to do anyANYthing else than pick...
December 14, 2013

In reply to by nopick

Same here, I've definitely had the thought that the only way I can stop I'd if my hands are literary bound for a year, or I've wished I could self - induce myself into a coma and then wake up with beautiful, healed skin a few months later. But, since we can't do these things, we're stuck living with this obsession day to day. I'm so sick of it. My skin is really bad right now, granted, not as bad as its been in the past, but bad enough that I just went out and got all new face makeup and powder since I'm running out (again), and I'm going to have to take forever trying to cover up the scabs on my face to get ready for tonight. I feel like I need to have the perfect outfit, the perfect hair, and the perfect eye makeup just to camouflage the fact that my skin looks ratchet. Ugh. I need self confidence tonight, I'm going to be meeting new people at my boyfriends band's Christmas party, and I don't want the first impression of me to be the ugly, self-conscious girl that I am right now :/ I guess I just have to suck it up, and remember how much I fucking HATE this feeling next time I'm about to pick.

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