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Here goes! First post; first step.
I've been led here several times before seeking advice on different issues I've run in to over the past few years, in regards to my obsessive destruction of my face and sometimes elsewhere on my body, but I never could convince myself that it was anything other than another fidgety tick, despite the scarring and increased frequency of my episodes of extremely detailed self-mutilation, the shame and fear of public disgrace, and the distant yet depressing memory of when my skin was absolutely flawless. Tonight, however, I've finally hit the breaking point. After a SIX HOUR trance in which I destroyed my face, thighs, forearms, hands, and lower back (in what felt like about ten minutes, tops) earlier, I feel so completely pathetic and I'm ready to stop this absurd submission to habit and take back control of my life again, only in a healthier way this time. . Here's a little about me: I'm a 24 year old hairdresser. Physical appearance is vital to success. OCD. Bipolar 2. Anxiety. ADHD. And a few others.. when I want something done a certain way, I will stop at nothing until it's done.. unless I get distracted by another spot to try and fail to make vanish. Trich/Derm for close to four years now. Nail biter since age two, but now I attack the surrounding skin as well. I'm a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak and I've determined my main derm trigger to be when I feel helpless and need to be in control of anything. I always had clear skin and when I'd get a single blemish every few months, it was popped, medicated, and gone the next day. Now, I give myself blemishes by constantly touching my face, and on the rare occasion that my face is clear of open wounds, the scarring gives me a dirty, grungy look without the obscene amount of makeup it takes to camouflage my skin. ): I just want to feel pretty. I want to not worry about my makeup getting on the clothes of someone I hug or the pillows of someone else's couch. I want to not be able to read that obvious "what the hell did she do to her face" marquee in the eyes of people I meet, or worse, haven't seen in a few years or more. To wrap this up, my journey starts now. I'm absolutely terrified of failing. But I'm ready for yesterday to be the last pick day and the first day of a beautiful life and a confident me. Fingers crossed!
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