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relapsing over and over again
I am so drained from it. I just feel so sad and bewildered by this addiction. I know its there and I trying to deal with it, but sometimes i look in the mirror and can't believe this is happening. I avoid thinking about the consequences of my behavior so much that when i do stop and have a good look at the damage ive done it seems surreal. Is this denile? I absolutely want to stop the cycle...im aware of how irrational my thoughts are when picking..so why do they keep winning? Its like some crazy person takes over my mind as soon as i get infront of a mirror...or more like Im out of body and its some other persons hands going after my face, and i have no control over them. The urge is so strong. Its so devastating to think about how much joy and freedom ive missed out on. what do you do when you feel hopeless? Im starting to fear that there really wont be a way out of this and i will just slowly destroy myself.
April 20, 2009
i know sumwhat hw u feel i cant say all the way cause we all gothrough it diff..i hv the same prob ive been doing it every since i can remember annd im 22 ..it scks knwing ur picking and u cnt stp but u wnt to ..i try and keep my hands busy or my thoughts in a good place ive relized tht whn im mad or sad i pick more..but it still occures ..but i get satisfaction knwing i only pickd at my face half the day rather then the whole..lol..not funny but i try..
April 23, 2009
yeah. the perfectionist in me thinks "oh ive ruined it" if i say im not going to do it again, but then do. but i guess its good to celebrate the small victories
April 26, 2009
Today is my second day not picking. I just found this site and it is defenitly good to know others are going through the same thing. I just started a journal and wrote down when I pick(for example - at night when getting ready for bed, after sex, before getting in the shower) Where do I pick ( example - in the bathroom) and what are my triggers ( looking at my arms). I am taking this one day at a time. I am involved in a 12 step program(Narcotics Anymous) so I apply the skills and suggetions of not using drugs that I have learned to help me not pick. Picking my skin is defenitly an addiction. It is mind-alterting and I sort of get a high from doing it but mostly I think it takes me away from other things I am thinking about and helps me release the stress I have built up throughout the day. I think that is why I almost always pick at night before going to sleep. I am keeping track of how many days I go without picking because it feels good when I looked at my calendar and see that I have not use drugs in one year and 100 days so I think the same method might help me not pick. For me one is too many and a thousand is never enough. So I can't pick just a little because I think that just triggers the addiction all over again and then once I start I can't get enough and hhave a hard time stopping myself. The urge to pick is still strong today but I do not look at my arms so that helps and I just tell my self "not today, I am not going to pick right now" and I re-direct my thoughts to something positive, like wearing my bathing suit without a tee-shirt to cover my arms, or wearing my wedding dress this June!!!! and feeling beautiful and condident. I hope my story helps somebody....... I know your stories help me : )