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ashamed4170 , 23 Apr 2009

Hand/fingers red and leathery

It started with the cuticle of my right thumb, and somehow worked its way around to the back of my thumb and down all the way to the bottom of my palm. It's a problem for all my fingers, by the thumb is the worst. All my finger tips are swollen and red, but my thumb... oh god, my thumb. Red. Bright bright glowing red, all the time. LEATHERY. 4 years of this and my thumb/palm is like an inch thicker than it should be and feels like leather. Which makes it easier to pick at, because I don't feel any pain... all the nerves are gone. Trying SO HARD to stop. Feels impossible. I use nail clippers and just peel the skin away until it bleeds. And it takes a long time for it to bleed. Many layers of scar tissue. I look down and there are PILES of skin on the desk below me. I sweep it into the trash can. I continue. It's been a few days now and I've been amazingly good. Haven't picked. But, god, I am aching to....... I can't see this as the end of it. I feel like a relapse is inevitable. And it will feel SO good.. followed by horrible regret.
2 Answers
April 28, 2009
I know exactly what you are feeling. The shame, the horror, of what you can do to your body, your hands, your thumbs and fingers. I pick at the flesh around my thumbs (where my index fingers can dig into the scar tissue). Even after it bleeds and aches, I will pick some more. I see the piles of curling shards-strips of skin and I wonder what the hell I am doing. I keep telling my friends and my BF that it's because I wash my hands so much everyday (day care) that my skin is raw and sore and UGLY. I don't pick as far down my thumb as you do, but it's pretty deep and nasty. I wish I had all the $$ I have spent on antibiotic creams and band-aids - don't you? :) I try to be Zen-like about it, and stay in the moment and try not to pick, but it DOES provide a release (from what?) and I do it without even thinking. I have been doing this for 30 years. I can't imagine doing this another 30!
April 28, 2009

In reply to by ThreeDecades_ugh

I know what you mean. I have been doing this ( not my fingers, but my whole body) for 37 years or there abouts. When will it stop? I don't know. I wish that I had the answers. I feel scared when I here people talk about there young children showing signs of this disorder. Do I tell them about this website or not? Some of them are strangers. How do you go about telling a stranger that it sounds like their child has dermatilliamania without them thinking, well, how the H*** would you know? and you're right about the feeling of release; my is from stress. sometimes the stress is'nt even mine. how weird is that?

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