So here I am. Three days ago I was so inspired by this website, by the camaraderie and finally knowing that I wasn't a freak. I felt renewed, like I could get on a good path and stick to it. Tonight, my fiance had to go out. Before he left, I watched the clock, ticking away the minutes until I could be alone to pick. Time just dragged on. I love him, and I love being with him, but he could NOT get out of here fast enough. I relished the anticipation, looked forward to it like Christmas morning. The minute he was out the door I was up on the arm of my couch, with the reading lamp over my leg. Almost disappointed because there weren't enough "good ones" to dig out. 20 minutes later I hate myself again. I can feel the sting on my shins reminding me of what I've done. There is no escape. Ever.