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Tweezer , 28 Apr 2009

Failure. Again.

So here I am. Three days ago I was so inspired by this website, by the camaraderie and finally knowing that I wasn't a freak. I felt renewed, like I could get on a good path and stick to it. Tonight, my fiance had to go out. Before he left, I watched the clock, ticking away the minutes until I could be alone to pick. Time just dragged on. I love him, and I love being with him, but he could NOT get out of here fast enough. I relished the anticipation, looked forward to it like Christmas morning. The minute he was out the door I was up on the arm of my couch, with the reading lamp over my leg. Almost disappointed because there weren't enough "good ones" to dig out. 20 minutes later I hate myself again. I can feel the sting on my shins reminding me of what I've done. There is no escape. Ever.
2 Answers
April 28, 2009
it is ok. You wrote about it. Today is a new day : ) Just keep coming back to this website and write. Have you reached out to anyone in person? I know it is hard but after I let my fiance about what I doing he was able to support and help me. I let him know the days I am having a bad moment and have the urge to pick. I make sure to leave the bathroom door open and tell him I am going in the bathroom so if I am in there a while he will check in on me. I just got to the point that my picking was so bad I was desperate to stop and i had to reach out for support. My fiance loves me and wants to help in any way he can. Now I no longer have to hide my body from him.
April 28, 2009

In reply to by mamma

Dear Momma and Tweezy, That is good advice; to wake up each day thinking that "today is a new day and I can only do and be the best that i can be today"! I have been married to my new husband for not quit 2 years and yes, he knows, but, I am still ashamed to show my body. I wear knee high soxs and a long sleeve black t-shirt, ALWAYS. I feel such shame which causes more anxiety. I would love to have a support group, like a face to face support group. But I live in a very small community and it's not like I want to advertise my problem to build a support group. And I don't know who to trust and who not too. People are to judgemental of others."Judge ye, ye least be judged", but they forget to judge there own bad habits cuase there to busy judging others for their faults. I know from 37 years of dealing with this disorder that it's not easy, and never will be. I fight with my family over nothing at all because i feel so bad about what I do. I feel so anxious as to whether or not I will and when. Will my husband want to have sex today and try to take my shirt off? Did I pick at my back or shoulders? Do they look bad? Great, more anxiety. When I think about stopping, I get anxiety. I'm just a big bundle of anxiety constantly, especialy over this. Yesterday I found this dumb little toy that fits in my hand ( tic tac toe game), it has little spinning wheels so I can keep it in my hand and try to keep my fingers busy. I hope that it works. Spinning the wheels simulate scratching fingers while the wheels turn. Anything is worth a try, right? I feel like I'm keeping something from him by hiding in my clothes. I don't know how to express what is happening inside my head to make my body look like this. I read a comment that stated they would be sitting there one minute and then 15 minutes latter there is blood under my finger nails and it's like I just stepped out of my brain or body for those few minutes. I can't remeber what I was thinking about or anything. It has just become an automatic response to stress that I feel no control over at all.

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