I just finished a picking episode that was 5 hours long. My entire face is red and swollen and in some spots even bleeding. I am so miserable and angry with myself. I can't truly say what hurts more, the physical pain I am experiencing or the agony I feel emotionally. Without fail each and every time I pick, I tell myself this will be the last time, and oddly I really believe it. The emotional aftermath of these episodes is devestating, and once again I am now facing another week of isolation, hiding indoors, away from the piercing stares of anyone and everyone. I have tried many many times to find some ryhme or reason to why I do this, but theres seems to be no consistancy or pattern. Many episodes are the result of some kind of trigger, a bad day at school, a fight with my family, friends, or boyfriend, or possibly I just stubbed my toe. I have found that often these triggers are related to emotions of intense anger or rage towards a situation, and tho my impulse is to throw or hit something, I find myself infront of the mirror destroying my face. And tho I can say that almost all my urges to pick come from these emotional triggers, there has been a few instances scattered throughout that I've picked simply for no apparent reason whatsoever. My face is usually at it's best before these sessions, and it's as if the stress of wondering when or if I'm going to pick again actually motivates these random episodes. Tonight it was a fight with my boyfriend that triggered it. When we begin to fight I find my fingers begin to feel around my face and scratch any imperfections automatically. As the fight escalates I begin to dig and pick and create bleeding areas and soon we are fighting about me picking my face. At this point I begin to get very angry and just migrate to the bathroom to get a visual of the damage and when I see the red marks all over I break down emotionally and give up trying to fight it all together. And although I desperately need his help to stop, specifically at the onset of an episode, the anger and upset make me lash out at him and drive him away. He, just like my mom in previous years, tries a couple times over the course of a couple hours, and after each attempt to stop me fails, soon they just quit trying. So here I am again after a long and painful night, and I'm desperate for some help. With each epsiode comes new realization of just how critical my situation has become. I have to stop, or my life, as pathetic as it is even now, could get much much worse. Please read this and know that you are not alone, and tho it seems that nobody around you could possibly understand what you are going through, I do! I don't have much hope these days, but I hold onto a tiny bit of belief that one day I will look in the mirror and see a beautiful, radiant, flawless women staring back at me, and know tht she will always be the me I look at. Not just for today, and hopefully tomorrow, but for everyday without worry or wonder. If you have a story to share with me please do!