So here we are again!
I've mutilated myself to the extent that my left jawline is swollen, full of pustules, hot, painful and tight feeling. Facial expressions are causing me discomfort and I sat in the car for an hour today crying because when I checked myself in the mirror before I got out I realized my attempt at covering my very badly damaged sickly skin looked ridiculous. I'm now left feeling emotionally and physically drained and the only thing that seems to offer any comfort is the mirror in the bathroom the tractor beam of which I can feel pulling at me already. My skin is crawling so badly that all I want to do is pick even though I know it'll make everything so much worse.
It is so bad at this point that my parents who have studiously ignored everything about this for 18 years (I'm 27) have decided they can be silent no longer. They have said they are worried and haven't ever seen my face this bad (on a side note the only reason they even know this is dermatillomania not acne is that in a desperate attempt to stop about a year ago I told them about it thinking that if people knew about it, it would help me stop).
I'm in the final year of my undergrad, somewhere I never thought I'd be to be honest, the stress of which is obviously only exasperating the problem. It might be crazy and unrealistic but I would love to be able to graduate from college also having kicked this habit so I can move on with my life and fulfill other goals I didn't think were possible for me. I also don't want to reach thirty and still be battling with this. It impacts every aspect of my life - boyfriend, family, friends, work and college and I'm living in fear that if we ever had kids it would destroy my relationship with them too.
So here it goes.
I am sincerely going to try call on every shred and fiber of willpower that I possess to kick this.
If it means temporary withdrawal insanity so be it.
If I fall of the wagon I will not allow myself the luxury to wallow by staying off.
As much as I want to stop there's a fear I can't descibe associated with stopping and I need the courage to believe I can see this through.
I WILL post here everyday to let you know how I'm getting on - so get ready this could get more batshit crazy and have more plot twists than game of thrones!