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if y'all can make it through this novel i would appreciate any help possible.
Heres my story:
In high school I never really had skin issues. I loved my life so much and had everything I wanted. Around the time I had to start applying of college, I started getting about 2-3 pimples a month really unnoticeable.At the time, being really concerned with my image i went to the derm and I was put on topical which did nothing and since I am a girl I was put on birth control and I tried three different kinds and all made my skin WAY worse. Finally, my derm put me on accutane from July to February at 20 mg a day (I weighed 120). It cleared my skin right up I never had any problems, and my skin really stayed clear once I was off it. Or so I thought. In June, I started breaking out again... starting with 1 to two pimples every few weeks. Then I left for college and my skin progressively got worse. I had already been seeing a therapist to deal with body dysmorphic disorder, but that was for freaking out and picking the crap out of one or two pimples, not a full face. By late September, my skin was covered, mostly on my forehead where I never had acne before. Before all of this, I was so outgoing and loved my life. I was the life of the party and the one who brought everyones spirits up and was always down for a great time. Because of my acne, I stopped going out, stopped going to class, stopped attending sorority functions, stopped talking to friends and eventually had to drop out of college and come home in October. Before I came home, I went to a derm at my college who said she wanted to skip all the topical and it was time to do another round of accutane to kill off acne for good. I couldn't start this until october because of the pregnancy test and when I came home I accepted it, said ok my skin will clear by January and I will go back to school and be ok (I was still working with my therapist too). Well I started using Absorica, supposed to be better absorbing and fancy, and I was on 60 mg a day from the get go and I lost weight from all of the emotional trauma and only weigh 110 now so this dose is well above what I "need". I would describe my acne not as cystic, but as red under the skin bumps that form from skin colored clogs everywhere. The first few months were hell, i broke out consistently in huge pimples that popped in my skin and caused large scabs everywhere literally ear to ear, since i was out of school i didn't really care so much i just sat inside telling myself it would be clear in a few months. Well I thought this was just my skin purging, but each time i noticed I'm still forming skin colored clogs which cause a lot of my acne issues. So two and a half months go by and its time for me to go back to school..... my skin looked the WORST it ever has in my life and this was so emotionally painful and damaging that I had to put off school ANOTHER semester. Eventually I came to terms with it because I was told my skin was going to clear up. Well here I am SIX MONTHS after starting accutane, 60 mgs a day, using cetaphil recommended by my derm. and my skin looks just as bad as my worst breakout of my entire life. I have clogged pores, painful bumps, and sore scabs all over yet my face. I tried to quit picking but since my skin keeps staying bad and not improving it hs made my anxiety so bad that I can't stop myself anymore. I am losing all sorts of hope. I was depressed and have suffered so much trauma because of this, but at this point it seems like it will never work and it seems like my last lifeline due to how bad my depression is....i feel hopeless and useless because i know my life is not going to be lived to its full potential if this doesn't clear up (Im a prelaw student who goes out and has fun all the time.....but i will do none of this and stay in my room forever because I can't handle looking like this) I keep seeing all these success stories of SEVERE CYSTIC acne that is cleared by now. Especially being someone who suffers from body dysmorphic disorder and dermatillomania, my life will be put on hold until my skin clears up. I haven't left my room in six months besides going to the derm and therapy. I can hang on for one or two more months but i don't think i can handle it after that... all of my friends will be coming home and i can't keep lying and blowing them off and watch them all go out this summer while I'm depressed still having acne after 7 months on accutane. Im terrified summer will roll around and school will roll around in august and I will waist yet another good year of youth to depression and acne. I don't understand. My skin is horrible and as i type this I have about 9 open wounds from huge pimples that are all oozing and painful and i can still feel bacteria inside. Im so lost and scared. Skin picking and acne has taken a perfect life from me and made me not even want to live most days.