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almosthealed , 11 Jun 2009

Stopping for other people

Hi, something I've beenn thinking about ... why can I stop picking when I'm going to see family, or there;s an event or something--but not just for myself? This wasn't always true, there were times when I couldn't stop picking no matter what (my graduation photos are case in point). But as I did start to get a little more control, the first area I made progress was being able to stop for other people. It was like the shame of certain people seeing really motivated me. I 've been doing very very well for 6 weeks--better then I've been my whole life I think. I stopped when my bf's grandparents were visiting, and I thought, "ok, I'm doing good while they are here, my skin is healing, and I'm goign to keep it up." but predictably, i started picking again after they left. I just got so fed up. I was doing so good --out of shame of them seeing me-- I did actually have some control over stopping. Why couldn't I stop for myself? Why couldn't I stop just for the sake of feeling sane and happy, not out of shame? That was kind of a turning point, where instead of not picking out of hiding my shame form other people or to look better, i really wanted to stop picking simply to BE FREE. To just feel freakin' normal and not ashamed of myself and like there is something terribly wrong with me. Jus tno be controled by picking. That's what I want now, freedom and to be normal. I thought for so long I wanted clear skin, that I wanted to look good. But there were times I had given up so much, I thought, "I'm ging to look like this my whole life." And I can't control how I look. I'm getting wrinkles, for christsakes! How I look is such a side issue--I may look good or bad, and its not always entirely related to picking. Plus, my perception of how I look is so f'ed up anyway. Sometimes I think I look good, and sometimes not, and it doesn't correlate to reality al that much. Instead, I'm goign to focus on how it feels, and how I imagine it feels to simply be normal, to not be controlled by this. Focusing on having clear skin just kind of keeps me obsessed with how i look, which is part of what drives the picking. I dont' care how I look anymore--I care about feeling free.

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