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serenitynow , 18 Jun 2009

When picking seems.... um... ok?

Hi everyone, I've recently found this site and feel committed to breaking the cycle of this ugly disorder... at least, that's what I say. For a couple of weeks I've been seeing a therapist, writing and reading here, doing some journaling, doing some picking. And sometimes I honestly feel like the picking is OK! And that scares me. To me, it feels like ok (maybe even necessary) picking if I just apply minimal pressure (don't break the skin), and stop after just a few, before going into a subconscious trance. I'm afraid, of course, that one will lead to more, and very soon I will be in that trance (like what happened last night at 11:30). Is this an all or nothing thing, especially at the beginning when I so desperately need to retrain my brain? Or do you allow for what I call "maintenance" picking to remove the unsightly bump? What really scares me is how gratifying it is to get the stuff inside OUT, to relieve the pressure...... gratification that lasts a few moments until I realize the damage I've done, the healing that must occur, the scarring that may result, the hiding and covering for a week...yet I hate to leave that stuff to fester and accumulate under the skin! Can you see what an internal struggle I'm in? I need to somehow prove to myself that quitting is worth the effort/pain/extreme discomfort.

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