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Lost Dragonita , 31 Jul 2018

I feel like I’m losing everything and I hate myself

Sounds so dramatic but I’m in hell again with my picking!! I’ve picked off and on for years and lately it’s getting worse and worse. My face has certain spots where I’ve picked over and over again and I can’t go one day without opening them up again! The sick part is that I convince myself that I’m going to achieve some sort of major success and finally pop a hair out or some crazy white head or whatever the hell is going to finally explode and it will be worth it! Why????? I’ve NEVER EVER gotten some horrible ingrown hair or whatever it is I think I’m digging for!
I feel insane because I do this over and over again and never learn that there’s NOTHING THERE!!! Does anyone else do that????
I’ve spent countless hours in the mirror and go into this dissassociative state and that’s when I can seriously damage my face. I enter this zone and there’s weird things I see that I need to pop or use tweezers to get and it’s like my brain tricks me into seeing this crap so I keep digging and when I finally snap out of it, I’m just a bloody mess! My entire body hurts and aches and I can barely move and I’m sweating and shaking and I can’t calm down and worst of all, I want to f*****g DIE. Last week I destroyed my face like I haven’t done in years! And I had to call in sick the next day and I felt like I was going to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for!! One miserable night and I’m destroyed physically emotionally spritually broken. And I can’t tell anyone because they don’t understand. Or they’ll think I’m tweaking out on drugs. It’s humiliating.
I just started a new job and I have a lot of anxiety.
I don’t want to lose it because I’m a mental basket case!! I can’t do this again. I’ve been down this road before and still have scars from years ago that I have to look at everyday. I can’t go through it again!!
I found this forum last week after my horrible picking session and I thank God because I read everyone’s posts and it was like I finally found my people.
I too need a buddy or a few!! I know that I can’t do this alone!!! I’m literally scared of myself!!!! I don’t trust myself!!!!
Has anyone done the program on this website? I want to do it if I can pay for it.
I’m finally reaching out.
I’m being completely honest about needing help.
My life stops when I pick. I hate myself so much that all I do is think about how others look at me and see my big ugly open sores covered up with inches of makeup!! It’s disgusting!!!
Thank you for reading this and I truly hope to hear from you lovely people— I need you!

10 Answers
July 31, 2018

This makes me so sad to read because I know how you feel! I know that sick and shakey feeling after a bad picking spell! I also know what you mean when you feel like you see things that you are somehow about to accomplish getting something out and fixing your skin even though if you step out of the moment you KNOW that’s not true and it never has been. If you hyper focus into anything you loose the big picture so picking at a little spot on your face is not excluded. Right now I am sitting in the sun at the beach. I just picked a bit on my cheek 3 specific places mostly in a small cluster of a break out that popped up last night. I am mostly frustrated because yesterday morning when I got out of the shower I looked in the mirror and noticed there was NOTHING on my face to even conceal. It was entirely even and healed. So last night when washing my face I realized I had a break out and I was taken quite literally off guard. You know how after a bad pick your defenses are up? And you are monitoring your behavior and keeping yourself away from the mirror intentionally. And you expect to feel and see imperfections. Well this was literally the opposite. I expected smooth which made these bumps feel 10 times bigger than they probably even were. But that brings me to the new perspective I have been working on...bear with me. So on a Sunday afternoon at 3:00 after a long weekend you start to feel sad because you know all the sudden you dont have a lot of time left before you’re back to work. It’s like you feel that all the sudden it will be the next morning and no time left to enjoy. BUT if your normal work day is until 6 and you randomly got off one early evening at 3pm doesn’t that unexpected time change everything. Then it seems like you have a whole extra chunk of free time before the next morning to do all sorts of things. So with my face...if I picked really bad and had a bunch of open spots and dark scabs then it begins to heal and now I’m left with some pink marks that are easier to cover with makeup don’t i feel relief like things are looking up? So why is it that when the mark first pops up it bugs me so much? It’s becaue I’m comparing to the clear skin that once was as oppose to comparing it to a wound that healed. Could it be possible that I’m some way we become addicted to the healing process becaue it’s makes us #1 feel like we have control #2 the contrast in the healing mark verses the wound gives us a false sense of accomplishment. When really I want to be working on living in the moment and enjoying the Sunday afternoons rather than chasing the days I can break out of work early? I want to learn how to enjoy that I just had some pink bumps on my face rather than needing to attack them only to appreciate the same appearance of fading pink marks only after I have made it much worse first. The reason I noted that I am sitting at the beach is because I did just pick and I knew I needed to get out of the house ASAP! I needed to change my perspective and give my skin a second to do what it was trying to do in the first place when I messed with it: heal itself. If you read my most recent post about healthier relationships with my skin, I am trying to be careful not to throw my attention into ways to fix my slip up just to distract me from picking becaue I believe that feeds the cycle of my obsession. Rather I am trying to make a point not to let myself even think or dwell on my skin much longer. I need my goal not to be clear skin but to be not caring anymore. The rest will follow.

Lost Dragonita
July 31, 2018

Thank you so much for your response!! I’m so grateful to you for taking the time to reach out.
I’m going to respond later when I have more time.
Where are you beaching it? I’m in Southern California. It would be so nice to have some support people in my life specifically around this issue because it is the loneliest affliction. It’s the most shameful issue and yet, as ashamed as I am, it’s always right on my face where people can see it anytime they look.
I appreciate your healing process. Those expectations are so strange— this constant battle we are in with ourselves. It’s all so strange and yet, you understand! And I understand you.

July 31, 2018

I learned to lessen the urges by practicing self care. Have any dermatological procedures ever helped you? I also learned more about skin and the way it functions, including scar tissue. I now understand what I'm actually harming and the process that goes into the repair of the wound. When you talk about these thoughts of pulling things out of the wound, maybe learning to understand skin and wound healing would help you? If you begin to see the skin as a living structure instead of a surface to tear up, maybe that change of perception will lower your impulses. It has been very effective for me. I took the extra step and have done multiple procedures and have been able to eliminate scars and watched my skin that knowledge now helps me to pick less. For example, if I pick at a pimple and it's sitting on scar tissue...that scar tissue will take longer to heal. Already knowing this,I tend to leave it alone to heal under hydrocolloid bandages. In the past,since I couldn't differentiate between scar tissue and normal skin, I would go crazy and pick away at the dense collagen. Scar tissue does not heal in the same way as regular skin. It takes much longer to heal, and the only best bet is to leave it alone. I also am noticing more patterns in my skin, how it behaves, what occurs. For example, I noticed that I get more acne situated inside the scars. I think that since scar collagen is so dense, it doesn't flex well enough as regular skin, and therefore the oil glands running through the scar are more likely to become blocked. Also, scar collagen doesn't expand as well as skin due to the density, and a blocked oil gland might not be able to naturally make it up to the surface. This is how some of my comedones form, under the scars. So once I realized the process and what is occurring, I became more respectful of my skin and overall body. Also, using certain products can help. For example, retinol speeds up cell turnover and can unblock pores and minimize acne. Do you have a set self care routine in place?

July 31, 2018

Lost dragonita, I am unfortunately on the east coast! That would actually be amazing if we were more or less neighbors on the same coast. I hope you find some people close to you! Although having this network online is helpful and minimizes distances. I don’t have anyone in my daily life that has this struggle...anyone else I know personally. I know people who pick at their acne but not to the extent this disorder of dermatillomania manifests. I do have to say that mine kicked off more when I learned it had a name. Don’t think that is the common response but that’s what it was for me. Even still I don’t question the process I went through to get to the understanding I have of it today. I think it just helped me learn there’s really nothing uncommon to the way humans struggle. We all have similar internal struggles and although there are varied ways of coping, there are so many more people than I ever thought who pick their skin and I wouldn’t be surprised if it were the same for most other negative behaviors.

August 03, 2018

I completely understand...I always get the big cystic acne bumps on my face , especially my chin area...and of course trying to pop or squeeze them never works because it's like a multitude of clogged pores or hair follicles...and after trying to pick the cystic always ends up a weeping disaster that's almost impossible to try and cover with make up...I've been battling a couple of these scabbed, crusty weeping patches for at least a week now.... It's so embarrassing knowing how bad they look even when you try to cover them up because either way , make up or not, it looks terrible ... I recently got another cystic bump on my chin but this time it had a head I could poke to get out the gunk...however... It was a deep rooted s.o.b. because the push pin I used to pop it went almost all the way in down the pore... So upon trying to squeeze the ooze out...I'm now left with a hole in my chin and a raised bump around that .... I'm sure you know what I'm talking freaking sucks! I spend so much time trying to dry the weeping disasters to try and conceal the damage with make up... Feeling discouraged and hideous because there's no covering it up without it being obvious, I've been late to work and completely self conscious while I'm there... constantly running to the bathroom or looking in the mirror to see how awful it looks ... Trying to put more make up on it so that I can try and hide the sores and scabs .... Though knowing it's just gonna make it look worse or more noticeable....I hate having to face the public looking like that ...feeling their stares and almost hearing their thoughts Wondering wtf is up with her face? I've even called in sick to work myself because of bad picking episodes are definitely not alone and I wish there was a miracle cure to this...

Lost Dragonita
August 03, 2018

Thank you for your response— I swear you are my soul picking sister! That’s me exactly!
And that chin thing with the massive wet hole and swelling around it causing it to be the most obvious thing and no covering up will work!!
Now I have anxiety all the time like I used to and don’t want to face anyone and feel humiliated.

On a positive note, I tried those bandaids with the healing product in it and left them in all night and it is miraculous!! Now if I can just leave things alone and not get new areas started, I might have a chance to get a break for a time period.
I’m desperate to have that reprieve!!

August 04, 2018

I just found this website today after I had a bad picking episode on my face. I know how all of you feel. I’ve been doing this since I was 12 I think. I’m so freaking tired of it running my life. Everyday I wake up and wonder how my skin looks. If it looks bad I get depressed. if it looks ok I get suspicious and get in the mirror and make it look bad again. It’s a huge cycle I can’t stop :/ I think about killing myself after I pick. I know I won’t but like I seriously want to. When my face hurts and I look ugly and I’m embarrassed. I don’t even want my boyfriend to see me because he gets frustrated. He doesn’t understand that I’m trying to stop but I can’t. If I could will myself to stop, I would’ve done it years ago :/ sorry I’m just ranting now. I hope you feel better I know how hard it is

August 06, 2018

How significantly do you think your skin picking affects your life? By what percentage? Is the skin picking the only issue you struggle with or what are some of your other hangups?

Lost Dragonita
August 07, 2018

Hello Imtiredofthis,

You are soooo not alone!
I get severely depressed as well and those negative thoughts pound in my head and I just hate everything especially me!!
Thank god we aren’t alone though!

August 09, 2018

I've had depression for such a large portion of my life that I see it as a norm. I am baffled by people who seem put together and complacent all the time. Or individuals who have lots of energy and motivation. That to me is an oddity. I just accepted the fact that some people are born with issues and others are predisposed or become predisposed to having issues down the line...and I'm just one of the many unfortunate cases. That way I don't feel so alone. Also when I go out during a depressive episode I don't pretend to be happy. I'm real and don't try to torture myself with happy fake smiles. Just accept the emotions, and go with the flow. Don't try to counter or stop them because it will create emotional resistance. Same with picking. The more you actively try to stop, the worse it gets. Just as meditation and mindfulness teach...observe, don't judge, don't try to control. Just observe and let it take it's course. It allows for less emotional tension & resistance.

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