Obsessed

Well I am brand new to this site, and this site led me to the Obsessed episode being discussed, which is available at this link for those who wish to view it - http://www.aetv.com/obsessed/video/index.jsp?bcpid=21711659001&bclid=29084025001&bctid=29286227001 I have no doubt that on some level A&E is taking advantage of people because unless a person or corporation does something purely not-for-profit, in other words if they in no way stand to benefit from what they are doing, they are taking advantage. A&E sells time to advertisers so they do stand to profit. But just because they stand to profit doesn't mean that we can't appreciate their efforts. At least they are airing something that may help someone and not stupid trash like "My Super Super Sweet 16" or whatever that god-awful show was called. I did not see the "pooh" episode you are referring to, but whatever is involves, it is shedding light on something that probably should be exposed, because once these things are exposed, like obsessive skin picking, maybe someone somewhere, like me, will realized that she is NOT alone, that there is a name for this and there are tools that can help me. And the disorders that need light shed on them are the ones that are particularly shameful and not glamorous. It is much harder to admit to yourself and to others that you routinely rip at your own skin than it is to admit you have an eating disorder or a drinking problem, at least in my opinion. Eating and drinking problems aren't as "gross" to most people. Also, as sad as it made me to read, it was very brave of them to post the comment at the end that Christa has completely relapsed and did ultimately manage to destroy her relationship with her fiance. Rather than just leaving it like "Look how much A&E helped me!!!" they fessed up that their efforts failed in this case. Also I think it shows how easy it is to falter and relapse, and the battle seems to be more about how well we can shorten the relapse, rather than whether we can actually beat this thing once and for all. I am 43 and have been picking my skin since I've been 15. I stand in front of the mirror just before bed every night and lose, easily, an hour digging away. I am sleep deprived because I get to bed an hour later than I normally would due to this behavior and and usually jarred awake around 4am by thoughts of how angry I am at myself for picking AGAIN. Then I vow to stop, tell myself I know I can, and find myself back in front of the mirror every night. This behavior has wrecked my self esteem and has stopped me from trying to find another romantic relationship because I am ashamed of how bad my skin looks. Nobody has seen the skin on my back for years and years. I can't imagine having the courage to let someone, especially someone whose opinion I value, see this ugliness in me. What if he is repulsed? How can I even muster up the courage to go on a first date when I am convinced this is where it will lead?