48 hours.


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August 13, 2009

well.. another 48 hours. So far i have only removed 3 small scabs that were really ready to fall off. I have not pushed anything out of my face and infact watched one small whitehead actually run its own natural corse and it took 3 days and is gone. I didnt think i could ever do that. I did pop a small random white head on my forearm. I stared at it all day today and when i got home i was chatting with my roomate.. when they went into the bathroom i popped it! and then i couldnt believe it! ah!! I have also caught myself scratching at my arms but am very concisously only itching myself with the pads of my fingers. well... its been a good solid 4 days and several of the generally infected areas of my face have had tiny flair ups that i have not touched and have gone away on their own. I am amazed. Its hard but my skin is not weeping, bleeding, pussing or scabbed anywhere right now. Ha! I have been reading this forum a lot. Many... Most of everything rings true to me too. One of which is the idea that if i could just get this one out... they will all go away. it is incredible compulsive. writing this and reading other posts is helping more than anything. I am not alone. I am Not hopeless.
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August 13, 2009

I just made my vow to quit today. It's not the first time I've tried, but it is the most determined I've been about it. Four days is great, especially with such an ingrained habit (read: compulsion). This thing really is the most addictive problem I've ever had. You're doing great. Just keep thinking about the peach. :D
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August 24, 2009

2 solid weeks. ah! it is frusterating!!! improvement is so slow and hard to do. hard hard not to do! I need to get myself into a dr apt and on some antibiotics, as i really can see how my skin is infected I have had probably 20 zits in the past 2 weeks. Two of them i picked. One on the very end of my chin. Had been a large white head which i DId Not touch till bout day 5. The white head had turned yellow scab like and i just snagged it off with my fingernail one day-- like it was nothing. So Easy to just Pick! I have to be concious and vigilant all the time not to. But the tiny yellow scab was about to fall off on its own. it did not bleed but was pink underneath and there was this huge white head under there too. I popped it. It errupted solid and bleed a little, I showered and cleaned it and did not touch it again. BUT, then i turned my attention to a big deep lump right next door and just went for it. I broke the skin quickly.. I caused a huge open wound. I was so wound up I showered again and just would not allow myself - to continue. It was so scarry.--for the first time in a long time i felt like i was actually doing something awful and to my own skin even. ..... I have also been thinking about the intense physical body pain control and self inflection i have done since literally I was a child. Then more out of deep personal interest. Putting all pins or pinching clothes pins all over my fingers and face, giving myself hickies, hitting myself till i had welts as a child. pushing safty pins all the way through my skin and back out- just before 'cutting' became a word. also cutting, burning, endless scab picking, and espically a deep relationship with the gnarled, pocked, picked and generally infected skin on my face. I have continued to pick some on my chest, under the arms (which really hurts), forearms, arms, nipples.. mostly literally in a bit uncontrolled fits, But I have also been forcing myself to be concious of what im doing- Really concentrate and feeling what Im Doing! I have also been looking at my face often and trying to note positive improvement from a distance! but also noticing all how filled with oil and stuff my pores are getting around my nose.. how do i not get that out? but my skin looks better. It looks 100 times better. it looks maybe more like an orange than a peach- but right now nothing is oozing or bleeding or scabbed. A lot of little tiny white heads and some darker spots and rough patches -- one really tender and large white head at the base of my jaw- an intense erruption site. So i think antiboitics will really really help me to stop for good. I am so ready to drop this impluse. I cant believe how i feel I really have come a long way so far. one day at a time.
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September 04, 2009

almost a month I have not popped or picked anything on my face. I really try to keep myself from standing infront of the mirror and streaching my skin out to find all the hidden imperfections, and taking a step back instead to note that I really cant see the pore sized white head from 2 steps back, and then remind myself of what that pore sized white head can become. And I am focusing on the actual pain im feeling as well as the destruction I am really causing myself. ...... I have been just awfully impulsivly and feverishly been raking the skin of my sholders, back and chest. Still probably less than i use to, when i would just plunk myself down for a binge weekend of skin mutuliation. Now it is more like a feverish 5 minutes before i control myself. I will Not just search and scan my whole body for potential imperfection. i am trying to be realistic but it is frusterating. My skin is awful splochy, still infected with welts and whiteheads, and scarred. My whole body. I know not touching my face is a big step in turning around this awful thing. But so far the improvement is minimal and the work is almost dizzying.. its so strange i would call this my most embarassing and private habit-- and to think that people might not notice-- a giant infected scab or just gash of missing skin that cahnges and fails to heal for months. today my skin is rough, pitted, white heads and deep rooted infection. slow going for sure.