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ChelseaElizabeth , 17 Aug 2009

So sick of picking! new to this website- just venting

Im chelsea, i just recently turned 16 and have been picking since i was about 10. I pick my scalp, face, chest, back, arms, and my upper thighs. I have acne (just a few zits here and there) as well as KP. After reading some of the forums on this website i was kind of relieved to know that dermatillomania is much more common than i though, and that i am not alone. When i was in middle school picking was never really a big problem, just something that wasted a lot of my time. When i got into highschool my anxiety definately increased, which drastically increased my picking. It got to the point where i wouldnt even go to school because makeup couldnt cover my huge scabs. in the beginning of sophmore year I couldnt bear to show my face in school anymore, and ended up dropping out and doing an online school. shortly after that i started abusing amphetamines (probably not a good idea when your a skin picker) and after a while that resulted in basically my whole body being covered in scabs. I would stay locked up in my room secluded from everyone and just be a depressed/anxious/picking mess. After experimenting with many drugs i finally discovered xanax. I started abusing it and within about two weeks my skin looked almost flawless (despite a few leftover scabs here and there). This boosted my self esteem so much and before i knew it i was going places and being socially active. Even though i looked wonderful (clear skin and very low body weight due to excessive partying) my drug use was getting out of control. Over four months i managed to; overdose twice, try to commit seuicide three times, spend 5 days in a childrens psyciatric ward, have sex for drugs multiple times, get raped, and become an embrassment to my family. my parents ended up sending me to residential rehab program in april. no more xanax=( I was released in june and my skin is a complete disaster. I fell right back into old habbits of picking for hours on end. I wont go anywhere because im so ashamed of my scars/scabs, and i am also gaining weight. Im so disgusted with myself, its like once i started picking again everything just went downhill. I dont know what to do! The only thing that has ever worked on my skin picking problem, was xanax. drugs really caused my life to become a living hell in a matter of months though and i know its not worth it. but picking makes me feel so ashamed/powerless/unattractive that im becoming desperate to just stop this madness already. im just posting this mainly to vent, but If you have any suggestions/advice i would love to hear them!

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