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KASP , 12 Sep 2009

Feeling Helpless

I'm really spiralling out on control lately. I've picked my face almost daily for the past 2 weeks. I've lost almost all my will to continue this battle. It's such a despairing feeling facing myself each day and not liking what I see, and though it's all too familiar to me, everyday is as painful as ever. I have no understanding or even idea of what it is I'm fighting anymore or why. I use to believe that I picked my face to improve it, though I always did more damage than good. But as the years past I have become sadly aware that this is way beyond my control. No matter how radiant and flawless my skin become, the urge to pick it does not cease to return, time and time again. Why do I do this to myself? Every moment is agony and I beg myself internally to stop but just can't. This has overtaken every aspect of my life and I see no light at the end of the tunnel to hold hope for. I'm unemployed because I deeply fear having to commit to a job knowing that I will not be able to face the outside world following my picking episodes. I've had random jobs here and there and thought it would be a great motivator for me to restain as I would need to follow through with my commitments, however, when the urge overwhelmed me yet again, work took a back seat and I soon ran out of excuses for missing shifts. My family has tried effortlessly to help me but they cannot understand this and soon become frustrated and give up. My boyfriend is my world, he's my best friend and the love of my life and he too is pulling away, sick and tired of being pulled down my me and my unwillingness to stop this. Why can't I stop this? I want so so badly to. I wish they knew how deeply I want this, how many nights I've prayed for the will to help myself. I've lost myself and I can't bring myself to imagine what my life is going to become and who it won't include if I can't gain control over this. Please, if you read this and can help or support me at all, reply. Share your stories with me and maybe together we can find more strength than alone.
1 Answer
September 12, 2009
KASP your story breaks my heart and I wish I could offer some words of wisdom to help you through. All I can say is that you are not alone. I too am completely overwhelmed by this.

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