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bree , 10 Oct 2009

Started 2 Years Ago and Still Going Strong

It started 2 years ago when I had depression, and now it continues on today. My mom recently asked me one day,"Why do you pick your face?" I felt enraged because I started this 2 years ago, and she decided to ask me now. Just like my childhood, let's look the other way, she'll be fine. That's how the depression started, the skin picking, and every problem I'm bound to get. My daily routine consists of waking up and getting ready, covering up the red marks with cover up and going to school. Then get home and pick once again. Sometimes I would be in front of the mirror for hours picking my face, neck, chest, back, and arms. Sometimes twice a day; afternoon and night. I stopped doing it to the extreme, but then it started up again when I was used by this guy. I wanted to destroy my face. It's weird that I want to be beautiful, but I don't want guys to call me beautiful, so I pick at my face. Sometimes I would think about cutting up my face, I cut up everything else so why not my face. But I don't want my family to worry so I don't do anything that's noticeable. So the longest I can go without picking is about two days, but if I wait that long I create so much more damage than doing it gradually. I had huge scabs all over my face, and I couldn't cover them up so, of course, my mom flipped out. I keep telling her I have a problem, but she just says it's a bad habit. Saying that kids these days are cutting and doing different self-injury practices to create more problems for themselves. Maybe she's right, that I sometimes get the urge to cut up and pick my face because I want to create more problems for myself. No. I'm trying so hard for my mom to stop this, but it's so hard. It's like telling my sister to quit smoking. I did stop for 4 days recently, and my face was beautiful, not a blemish or red mark in sight. Then I destroyed it yesterday. But I guess it's progress. I want to be done with this nonsense, I want to go out without feeling like everyone is staring at the marks on my face. I want to wear shirts that show off my neck without having to cover up my chest with cover up. I just want my past to stop showing up on my face, picking isn't fixing my problems, it's creating more. I need help, plain and simple, but I don't know where to start. Thank you for reading my story, and I would love to hear your advice. -Bree
1 Answer
October 10, 2009
I can relate to your story. Especially the part about your mom looking the other way. I think her choosing to do that did a lot of damage. She couldnt face the truth about my problems and her not willing to help me made it hard for me to help myself. I think we learn how to either be proactive or passive from our parents. I also have the same issue of going a while without picking and then it being a lot worse. Its bad when my face starts to look normal, because then i think i can get "just that one", and it wont make a difference. Hours or days later I realize I've completely ruined all my hard work, and that is the WORST feeling in the world I think. I also feel the same way about wanting to show my body. Im am so SICK of covering up and missing out on clothes I like because im too embarassed. I wind up battling myself, too, because i want to be able to say f-it and wear whatever, but i cant find the strength often. I dont know about your moms idea that you are making things harder for yourself on purpose. Thats something you alone know the answer to. In some ways i think compulsions may have to do with trying to ground ourselves, and there is safety in staying "stuck", or in the known...however I dont think its all our fault or that we have the power to just "quit it". I dont think any of us chose the emotional pain/anguish/despair that comes with picking. My point is dont be too hard on yourself, or blame yourself completely. You are right, picking is like smoking, super hard to stop. Although I would say quitting smoking is easier. Anyway congratulations on the progress you are making. i wish you the best

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