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Ang-eh , 01 Dec 2009

December Rehab - I will stop

This is an addiction. So maybe some formality could help. I'm going to share what I do and how I feel no matter how embarrassing or disgraceful I think it is. I'm also going to share parts of my life whenever I feel it could be helpful for comparison purposes. This is cold truth. This is deep honesty. I'm giving myself 30 days to stop. -------*******------- Hi, my name is Angie and I pick at myself. -------*******------- I pick my face mostly, multiple times a day for an average of 20 minutes at a time. I also pick the back of my legs, my back, and my bakini line when I find a spot which usually causes more. I eat what comes out. I sometimes bite my nails. I eat the skin around my nails - hands or feet. I pick and eat scabs. Hey why not throw in that I pick my nose and ears and eat that too. No one knew that until now. Obviously I can't tell people that because it's gross. I've also developed psoriasis on the back of my neck and I scratch that as though I'm digging for my brain and eat the flakes that come off. -------*******------- I have been dealing with this for at least 5 years and am turning 20 on January 7. -------*******------- I have no friends, I don't get out except to go to work as a cashier at a grocery store. I finished a year of university but am switching majors because I couldn't deal with my anxiety levels. Currently I am back in highschool for prerequisites to go to college for architectural technology. -------*******------- I love my mom and brothers...my dad will probably always be mostly out of the picture, though I visit. Unfortunately I don't have a strong enough relationship with them to help me get through this. My boyfriend is holding me together right now but he lives on the other side of the continent. (Me = Ontario / Him = Washington State) -------*******------- Somewhere deep down I know I am pretty, but I usually can't see it past all the red spots. I know I'm smart and fun to be around, respectful and loyal...but I've been closing myself off from the world. I recently discovered that I also have alcoholic tendencies and to sum that up, if I have any alcohol ever again I will lose my boyfriend but more importantly I will lose any respect for myself that I have left. Everyone my age drinks. Life is very difficult right now. -------*******------- I'm going to do my best to stop cold turkey starting midnight tonight (since I'll probably still be up). I'm going to make it harder for myself too. I'm going to wear my hair up in a pony tail every day. This will be very hard because I have 3 big pimples on my forehead that hurt because I picked them so hard the last couple days and I have to face highschool kids and customers at work. -------*******------- I want to be able to work out again. I'm an ex-national gymnast but I've been too ashamed about my face to go to the gym and my body is screaming at me. -------*******------- I will answer any questions and will be writing about how I'm doing every day I have access to a computer. That's all for now.
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Ang-eh
December 02, 2009
DAY ONE is a SUCCESS!! woooo but that was easy enough right :P Done one day before, so I can't get too excited. -------*******------- A lot of very strange things have happened today....including missionaries coming to my door, my dad showing up at my workd and my ex-best friend messaging me for the first time in months :S umm I can't even comprehend the weirdness lol.....is it because I'm trying to let the world in...or more like trying not to block it out anymore? -------*******------- All I can say is wtf :S but it's AWESOME! I wonder if more weird things will happen, it's like they were all signs that it's time for me to stop, that life will be so much better ...sooooooo much better when I do. -------*******------- btw, I really did put my hair up in a ponytail even though I was terrified of what people would think of my face. I was rather blessed that I was in a rush all day and wouldn't have even had time to pick :S -------*******------- Still crossing my fingers though because my day has been really stressful and I still have a project to finish tonight and I'm exhausted from only having had about 7 hours sleep total the past two days. Tired/stressed/anxious usually = picking the day to up to two days later. - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
MrsK
December 02, 2009
Well done! I too will have to try to lessen the habit as I have called it. Mine is secretive as in my scalp. Keep it up - I am sure you will inspire many other people!
Ang-eh
December 03, 2009
Thank you :) yes one day at a time is working so far. Definately still a hard fight though. -------*******------- I meantioned my ex-best friend talking to me...well today she stopped by my house as was planned after I wrote on here. So needless to say all day I had been extremely anxious and really tired since I only got about 4 hours sleep. I noticed myself touching my face a lot in class and at work...partly because it was itchy either from healing or my hair touching it but mostly because it's my habit trying to make me feel better. -------*******------- I am glad to say that our conversation at my front door went really well and it no longer seems that she is mad at me and there is a possibility that we may start talking again. Which would be awesome because it was a 7 year friendship that came to a hault after rooming together in residence. It really had to do with my lack of understanding of myself and that I can't handle alcohol. I can only imagine the drunken things I might have said to her :( -------*******------- I'm going to conclude this post by saying that overall today was a big success because of how anxious I was feeling and that I did NOT pick at any pimples (I did take off some flaking skin from where a scab used to be, and I was very very very careful when I did because usually once I lean in to that mirror....that's it.) . I'm forcasting a relaxing weekend involving putting up Christmas lights and treating myself to a manicure, a once in a blue moon thing for me to do but it feels great. The only thing I worry about are the 3 now scabbed over pimples on my forhead that I reeeeaaallly want to pick off and let my skin breath, but I am NOT going to because I DON'T NEED TO!! woooo feel the freedom :D - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
Ang-eh
December 03, 2009
So last night while waiting to fall asleep, I was having trouble not touching my face. My fingers really wanted to pick off the three scabs on my forehead. I managed to stop myself by saying over and over again...it's successful if they are there in the morning. -------*******------- This morning the scabs came off in the shower when I was rubbing my face. Good and bad. My face looks better now because the spots aren't as dark, but when scabs come off I pick the place where they were to make sure all the stuffs out. This morning I couldn't stop myself from doing that. I picked at a total of 4 pimples. One new one that developed last night, ones small one off to the side, one by my eyebrow and the biggest one on my forehead which might actually be a cyst. -------*******------- This is why I called this month a REHAB, so that I can forgive myself of times like these and not feel guilty and give up because I failed. I'm punishing myself by wearing a pink shirt that brings out the colour of my spots, but I don't have to do that I just feel like it to help push myself back into trying harder. -------*******------- I forgot to meantion how I treat my face. I wash it about once a day with aveeno foam cleanser and then use aloe. I don't wear any makeup. No cover up, no mascara, nothing. -------*******------- My goal of the day now is to not touch my face. Good luck to me :S - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
Ang-eh
December 04, 2009
Day 4. So yesterday was my worst day yet. I popped that one new pimple and picked at a few others. BUT I'm not going to get angry with myself or feel guilty and hopeless because rehab isn't quitting cold turkey. By the end of rehab that's when I'll be rid of my habit. -------*******------- Something that has changed in my behaviour is that I actually go to the washroom when I'm in the washroom. I don't stop by the mirror on the way to the toilet and before I leave. That has really been helping. Overall, my face looks A LOT better and I don't feel any new pimples coming on now since that one I meantioned. -------*******------- Today I'm going to the gym. I can't wait. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do when I get there but even if I just go on the treadmill for 15 min and stretch after, my body will be happy, my brain will be happy and I most likely won't pick tonight. :) I'm also hoping to convince my family to put up the Christmas tree. Focus on the positives :D - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
Ang-eh
December 05, 2009
Day 5 and lookin' gooood :D. Yesterday's workout felt amaaazing and today I'm hurtin' for it but I love this sore feeling...probably a gymnast thing lol. Anyways not much to report...I want to put the Christmas lights up today and attempt 2 at the tree. Getting my nails done with my mom...something I haven't done in at leeeast a year because I don't like to pay for something that I can do.....but it feels so nice so I'm treating myself :) Other than that I'll be doing homework which is the only part of my day that makes me worry about my face because my stress will go up, especially if I hit a writer's block. Seriously though........my face hasn't looked this good in a very very longggggg time. - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
Ang-eh
December 07, 2009
Hmm well I thought I posted a comment yesterday but it looks like it didn't work. Oh well. Day 7 and today has been good. I can feel my mind taking back control. I think one of the bigger issues that was stressing me out was that I thought I might be pregnant but phew I'm definately not :) The Christmas lights look awesome and today I'm going for another workout since I'm not that sore anymore. Something that helped feel more incontrol with stopping was making a to do list. I often feel overwhelmed when I go from one day having nothing to do to the next having a bunch of stuff to do that week. Usually I try to remember everything...but as it builds up I start to freak out and just writing a rough outline of what I need to do calms me down because I realize I can handle it. These posts are going to get shorter unless I have a really emotional day because I have a life I need to live. - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
Ang-eh
December 09, 2009
Day 8 is almost over and I feel beautiful. I picked a tiny bit, nothing noticeable. Two big things I said to myself today were 1) This is not the way to handle my skin. It really will look better if I just leeeave it alooone. 2) I don't want to die like this. And if I don't want to look or be like this when I die, then why am I living like this now. No one knows when their time is up. That's all. I'm tired lol Goodnight. - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
Ang-eh
December 15, 2009
Day 15. Sorry that I have not posted in a while...I'm now in Washington State with my boyfriend, who I've now discovered reads this :P (Hi babe lol) He still loves me! -------*******------- Anyways updates: Picked my face pretty bad for this rehab month before my flight here because planes make me very anxious. I picked the scabs that were then created in the dressing room of a TJ Max store because I was anxious about meeting one of his friends. We were going to his work's Christmas party and I was supposed to dress nice for it and was there looking for one item to update my wardrobe. I figured if I could feel good in my clothes then I could ignore how I felt about my face a lot easier. His friend ended up having acne which made me feel 100000x more comfortable and by the time we ended up leaving for the dinner, the redness had seriously gone down. (I had put some aloe on and prayed) -------*******------- I am now halfway through my rehab and I feel like I have made a TON of progress. I know I need to find a new outlet for my stress and I need to find one fast...when I get back home I'll be working out a LOT so that really really could be the answer. I've noticed that the main times I pick are before I go out somewhere when I feel my old social anxiety creep up, or when I have a lot of hmk and I don't know if I can finish it or start to doubt my intelligence. I think if I just got out more and read more books, both of those points of anxiety could be reduced. I also have a tendency to pick in the morning and before bed. The latter I do because I figure it can heal overnight and look better in the morning - reality: it would still look better if I didn't pick. As for the morning...that's more of a primping/perfectionist habit. It'll be the most difficult to fully stop because I have less control in the morning when I'm groggy. But, if I don't have anything to pick, which would be a result of not picking for all the other reasons, then not only would I not pick, but I would feel great the rest of the day :) -------*******------- Today I feel like I really am on the back end of this rehab, that the rest of the days will get easier and by the 31st I really will STOP PICKING! :O - Look into your eyes and appologize. -
Ang-eh
December 19, 2009
Day 19. Tomorrow I fly back home and my bf works all day :( Right now I'm alone at his house and a little nervous to see how the day unfolds. I have some homework I have to do today and I'm tired. So I'm thinking maybe I should take a nap so that I can keep my stress down and then when I get up form a course of action lol. Bottom line: I can't be tired tomorrow or I won't make it through the day since I already have to be at the airport by like 5:30am. I'm starting to wonder why I'm writing here. I've pretty much got control of my picking. I'll just write on the 31st for a wrap up of the next couple weeks. Good luck to all the rest of you. - Look into your eyes and appologize. -

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