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misterradio , 11 Dec 2009

My Story

Woah. I'm so glad I found out that my self-destructing skin picking ritual is actually a real, treatable condition and that this website exists!! I'm just going to explain myself and my experience as I've never had the opportunity to express my frustrations with this! :D Growing up as a child, I never had much of a problem with my skin. I fell, got scabs and they would heal pretty quickly and I'd never had a compulsive urge to perpetuate my wounds. I believe when I came into my pre-teens, I started to get skin rashes real easily and simple scratching would create undesired results. During this period, I noticed the wounds I'd get from scratches and falls healed so much slower. I went to the doctor and dermatologists but they never gave me a clear diagnosis of what this weird skin problem arose from and thus they prescribed me corticosteroid creams to apply on my scabs and rashes. To this day, I still use the creams. But I've lost faith in my doctors so once I use up the creams, my mom simply asks my grandpa for some kind of corticosteroid cream so I don't have to go through the hassle of making an appointment and wasting my time and money for more creams. My dermatologist also assigned me pills that would keep me from scratching at night time but I don't think they work really well. As this progressed, I found myself tormenting myself by picking at the scabs that would heal. I'd realize I'm sitting at the computer, watching a video or reading an article, and my hands would creep around, finding the scabs and scratch, and scratch, until a satisfying pain from the defaced wound pricked me. Even my fingers are not spared. They are either covered in open wounds or intact scabs. I've spent so much money on bandaids so when I'm in class, no one can see the disgusting wounds everywhere. I've had instances where classmates would ask if I cut myself or something because of all the bandaids that bound my fingers. I usually wear shorts at home but since I now live in a dorm, I have trouble doing so. My suitemate would look at my legs and ask what happened to them. It's so oppressing because when it gets hot, I have to put up with the heat by wearing long-sleeves so I no one can see what I've done to my arms. When I'm in bed, I will find myself half-asleep but aware that I have my hands running around to pick at scabs. Even so, I don't stop myself. I still think it's disgusting of myself that I'd rather have an open, painful wound than a intact scab. The fact that there are unscathed scabs scattered throughout my body makes me fill like I must pick at them despite the repercussions. I got so fed up by the strange itching and rashes, but not the scab picking, that I looked online to find a diagnosis. My findings helped me conclude that I may have eczema but I'm not sure. However, if it is so, did eczema pave a path for my compulsive scab picking??!!! Soon, I finally realized that my consistent and illogical scab picking was another problem. And thus, I found myself here. I remember I started becoming more aware of myself in middle school. I was always a bit chubby but it made a really strong impact in high school. Then, I began having a low self-esteem since then. Since I've developed this habit...condition, my self-perception has hit a new low. I often find myself abusing myself with words of how undeserving I am. Or how I can't find a significant other unless I get rid of this horrible habit. And I don't see this happening anytime soon. However, I'm so glad I've found a community with individuals with a similar issue. This was a great outlet for my frustrations and feelings. I hope I can improve on my compulsion to pick at my scabs. :)

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