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katiemay , 31 Jan 2010

I just need to say it

Regardless of whether anyone reads this/comments, I need to say this; Maybe just to get these thoughts out of my head. I am a skin picker. I am 32 years old and have picked non-stop since I was 13. Though for many years told myself "I can stop whenever I want," I am now accepting the fact that I am completely out of control. I hate myself. I cry every day. If not for my son, I probably would never leave my house. I have never admitted this to anyone - Though once I told a boyfriend (After his constant questions) that I was a "cutter" - In my mind it seemed more socially acceptable to be a cutter than a skin picker (Apparently, on the "crazy scale," cutting is a notch above skin picking...) I am obsessive, paranoid, anxious beyond belief. I'm a hoarder as bad as those nutters on A&E (no garbage, though - garbage grosses me out. I just have ridiculous amounts of stuff) I worry that if I were to die tomorrow, people would find out about my hoarding and more than that, I worry that the coroner would wash off my make up and my family would have to identify my body... They would see all of my scabs, red marks and nastiness. This is what keeps me going - I have to stop picking so I won't be embarrassed by the coroner and my family seeing me without makeup. Yeah, I'm seriously crazy. I hate going out in public, and when I do go out, I'm convinced everyone is staring at my hideous face that I've created. I'm painfully shy, though everyone who knows me would say the opposite because to mask how I really feel, I talk incessantly and joke joke joke (Perhaps to never give people the chance to say "What the hell is up with your face????") I've even had people tell me I should be a stand up comedian. Um, yeah. I've lost all of my friends because even though in my heart I'm a true, reliable friend, I can't keep dates/show up because I'm embarrassed by how I look and don't want to be seen in public. I've avoided going to my hometown for the fear that high school friends or family who haven't seen me in ages will say "What happened to her??" or pity me. My biggest regret is missing my grandmother's birthday party several years ago because of my face. She died a week later and I've never forgiven myself. Looking back at photos of my early twenties (Before the picking got really bad and ruined my face) I was very very pretty. People always told me I was and I never believed them. I've since destroyed my face and gained 30lbs (Did I mention I started stress eating 2 years ago?) I often wish I could go back to my college years and appreciate who I was and what I had. That girl had so much going for her. These days I feel like I've wasted my youth and now there isn't much to look forward to. Relationships are pointless as I can't ever fully be myself with a man. I would never let a guy see me without heavy makeup. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. Thankfully I have my son who makes me indescribably happy... Though he has started lip picking and nail biting and I'm feeling horrible and responsible for the path his life seems doomed to be headed down. So there you have it. The meandering thoughts bouncing around in my head at 3am on a Sunday morning. It's nice to just say these things. To be honest for once.
3 Answers
February 01, 2010
Hi there I found this site because I've always been a compulsive picker! It's crazy isn't it. Just on reading what you wrote, I felt sad. Sad that you don't believe beauty is only skin deep and also in the eye of the beholder. Of course these are words and easier to write and say then believe them when reading them. But you must not rely on vanity for your happiness. You should think about all the people out there who are less fortunate. It always helps bring you back down to Earth. There are people born with lack of motor skills, people who are blind and cannot see the true beauty in front of them. People who are poor and living on the streets. People who don't have the brain capacity (that you indeed do have) to take control of their life and make it what it should be. In a lot of ways, I blame magazines and media for promoting what we should and shouldn't look like. Sure it would be wonderful to strut down the street in Elle McPherson's body, but if everybody looked like her, how boring would it be? I don't know you, but I'm sure you're not hideous to look at. I'm sure you have many flaws but I'm also sure your finest assets outweigh those flaws. Nobody is perfect.. The sooner you realise perfection is unachievable, the better you will feel. Try to be positive about what you do have and how blessed you truly are. It's time to take action. Take the reigns and steer your life the way you want it to be, one small step at a time. Set yourself little goals to achieve each day. eg leaving the house without checking your reflection in shop windows, car windows, mirrors....learn to be confident in your own skin and you will find in it, true beauty. I don't know you, but I love you for you. xo
February 01, 2010
your not completeley out of control because you know what is wrong with you and you have come on to this forum to seek help, that shows your willingness to change and is a big and brilliant step. Please keep that in mind :). I myself came on here looking for help and i am now going to go see a doctor about it tomorrow, i'm sure you will too when your ready and get the help you need. If your worried about your appearence and your skin why don't you go to a dermatologist and see about repairing the damage. I'm sure with the personality that you have described being funny and clearly a very sensitive and kind person once you get some help you can reclaim your life back.
February 04, 2010
dear katiemay, i totally understand what you are going through- i'm just like you. i have had the exact same thoughts about the coroner and my parents seeing my awful skin without makeup or covering, i have the same hoarding tendencies, the same social anxiety, the same shame, the same hopelessness. i'm 34 now and have been picking since childhood. the only times i have ever stopped have been when i've had a serious relationship, but now i am too self conscious to even consider getting close to someone. my picking has only gotten worse with age and i am more isolated now than i ever have been. this is no way to live. maybe we can help each other?

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