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paula_2010 , 28 Feb 2010

Begin Again--Random Venting and Some Thoughts

Hi there, I've posted on this forum before but I haven't for awhile. But here I am--trying yet again. I am 22 years old and I've been a picker since I was about 10. Sick, huh? I can't remember what it was like to not have this compulsion in my life. I honestly have no idea what it feels like to go a day without the overwhelming urge to pick. I've tried so many times to stop and eventually I get so tired of fighting I just give up. Tonight I was hanging out with a friend who knows I struggle with a compulsion that involves hurting my body (I've never told her it's picking but she knows enough to at least kind of get it--she struggles with a compulsion too). She said something interesting. She knows I'm trying (again) to stop and tonight I called her saying that I spend a lot of time alone and tonight I just couldn't. She invited me over and we watched Harry Potter. We watched at least half of the movie and the whole time, part of my mind was thinking about picking. I sat there with my head on my friend's shoulder just to remind myself I wasn't alone. After the movie, we talked. Well, mostly she talked at me. She can kind of read my mind sometimes which is annoying but useful when words don't come out. I did manage to tell her that the only time I'm not fighting it is when I'm asleep. Every second of every day, I want to pick. She pointed something out that I'd never really thought about: Wanting to do it every second doesn't make me weak, it makes me strong. If we want to ALL THE TIME, but mange to NOT do it even for a few minutes, even a few SECONDS, it's a victory. I think you all know as well as I do what a powerful force it is. I have what was once a zit (that now I've turned into a sore that is currently scabbed over) right between my eyebrows and it is SCREAMING at me to be picked. But I keep remembering what my friend said. The desire to give in is powerful, powerful force. It's enough to eat us alive. Feeling that urge doesn't make us weak. And fighting it off for even a few seconds is a victory. I'm pulling for all of you. Take it one moment at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. xo Paula
5 Answers
February 28, 2010
wow that is pretty intense stuff! but yeah i agree that the urge is strong enough to where managing not to give into it is quite the amazing feat. good luck with your struggle - have you tried that 40 day challenge thing?
March 04, 2010

In reply to by ocdFreak

Haven't tried the 40 day challenge. Some days it seems impossible to make it 40 minutes! And does anyone else do it unconsciously sometime? Like you don't even know it's happening until you're halfway done and bleeding? It's just so automatic. Any tips on how to catch myself?
March 04, 2010

In reply to by paula_2010

Yes. I think for most of us it is automatic. You can break this though. It took me a few weeks to be able to catch myself and even realize I was doing it. Try putting a post-it in the middle of each mirror. If you live with someone you could write something like "Floss teeth" so they think it is something else. When you see the post-it you will realize what you're doing. Also, make sure to record in a book / spreadsheet every time you do it and then write why you think you may have started. Example : March 3rd. 2pm. Because of exam stress. That way you can find out some causes/ risk factors and also makes you more aware of it. Do these for 2 weeks and I bet you will be conscious of it. Im on day 8 and it is looking good. You can do it!
March 06, 2010
Hi Paula, Im sort of in the same boat as you. Im 20 and have been picking for 7 years.I was using the forum for a while but stopped. Its partially because I stopped making it a priority .Anyway I was doing really well, but without working actively to stay sober I relapsed really, badly. Im now trying to get back on the horse as they say. Its true what you say about seconds being a victory. I think only pickers can understand the weight of that statement. I know we all have to figure out what works for us as individuals, but I thought Id share one thing that helped me... telling people. I recently told some of my good friends and it turned out to be a great decision. When Im having a bad day I can now talk to them about it and tell them why. Maybe you could tell this friend. Good luck to you!

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