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I.Have.Sinned , 10 Mar 2010

So delighted with a new understanding.

Story time. First. I prefer Pepsi over Coke, and The Beatles over The Rolling Stones. That being said, I had 3 years, and some odd months, days, and hours without putting my hands on myself. I finally went and spilled the ugly truth to an adult ADD/OCD specialist. Prozac, Adderall, Dexedrine Spansules, Klonopin daily, Halcion for ' crisis'. The sudden jolt of my body and mind feeling 15 again was a bit much the first couple of weeks, and I tore myself to pieces... Two or three months passed, and it occured to me. " I havent touched myself in months, do i look okay?" Only to meet the girl that i would later become engaged to that same night. Skipping the next 2 and a half or more years of of living in a pseudo-normal world ( which is a HUGE improvement for me ) It all ended horribly. and i ended up back at home with my mother. This is a bad thing. A terrible thing in fact. VERY close we are, indeed... but, we despise each others lifestyles. Only 3 days after my fiance and I split, my moms husband spilt, leaving her with ZERO. It's been 8 months now. And, all the money i was saving to get myself on my geet again, is having to pay for the wreckage he left behind here. Mom can't work, she's disabled, and they are jerking her around about giving her her benefits ( To be expected, we neednt talk about the government, that could get ugly ) So after 8 months of banging my head against the wall, taking 2 steps forward, and 3 back, having her at my throat for every "unchristian-like" thing I do. ( which is almost everything ) Yes, my moral standings are lying down. I sat in my room, rocking... and. It happened. Something I thought was out of my head. something I thought I had licked. And, never have i done it this bad, Ive called in to work with H1N1, and my doctor is SO SO SO cool as to fax them a letter stating just that, even though I don't. I havent even left the house in 6 days. I can't lay on my back, there are 21 horrible, infected sores. 8 on my face, 4 on the back of my scalp, my cuticles look like busted fireworks. And , ive ground my teeth so intensely, i had to seek out pain medication for the TMJ aftermath. Conclusion. Alcoholic? Drug Addict? Sex? Gambling? Work? none of the above.. I'm addicted to self destruction. and i need some support. Thanks for reading, hope i didnt bore you. - Rivers
2 Answers
March 10, 2010
Wow, that was intense. I can relate. I just turned 40 and have been picking/pulling at myself for approx. 37 years! I started pulling my hair out when I was 2-3 yrs of age then onto nail biting (which I quit through my friend in nursing school's help. She slapped me every time I started to chew). But I cannot stop my finger cuticle picking to save my life! Have 3 kids under 6 and a stressful life along with past history of sexual abuses. This is such a sad disorder. You pick at yourself to feel better. How awful. I wish you the best on your journey to wholeness. The therapy offered on this site by dr Vinod was very insightful is you can afford the $100. Well worth it. Take care
March 10, 2010

In reply to by pumpky1107

Thank you for reading, I appreciate any comments. and i also wish you the best as well. I regret going this long ashamed, I was due for scar correction surgery in a few days, and now ive jacked myself all up again, thinking it was over. UGH! So frustrating.

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