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thumbs , 27 Mar 2010

my experience

Hi guys I am new here but wanted to share my experience of a life time of picking. Any shared similarities or answers to my own questions would be a great help. I am from the uk and I am 32. I have never had depression or any mental health problems. I manage my anxiety fairly well I tend to get anxious about protecting others (strange my job is in the health care profession- god I hope this does not make me sound more strange), I still make the mistake of thinking because I feel like something bad is going to happen it means something will go wrong, but i know this is a common thinking error. Over the years I have got less anxious about everything. I am not sure if i was abused as a child my grandfather abused my mother and my cousin (I was vaguely aware from when I was 11, but knew for definate when I was 17). I often get this feeling of being dangled waiting for something bad to happen to me as a child, not a flashback not a dream I can't really describe it. When I experience this feeling/memory I feel like I want to scream someone to hear me, I feel like I was crying - maybe it was in a pre verbal stage of my life which would make sense as why it is a feeling not a memory and why I can't verbalise well the distress who knows. I have picked my fingers forever, of which i am most ashamed when it gets real bad and i have to bandage them. i have used my teeth nails or nail clippers to pick. I stopped biting my nails long ago which somehow i believe makes my fingers look nicer?!?! althugh if my nails do break i am ok to trim the nail down with my teeth and allow it to heal without continuous picking. my thumbs usually get the worst treatment. i do think there is somnething in my hands though. when i look at them especially as i get older and get looser skin on the backs of my hands i see my grandads old mans hands and hate them - tbh i feel the same when i look at my moms hands ewww i could wretch. I just remembered I picked scabs as a child too. Mainly I pick because I think if I just pick that little bit it will feel smoother and look bett?!?. I do not do it to hurt myself or to self harm. my wounds do bleed which usually leads me to stop and cover them with plasters. I have had periods of not picking the longest was during pregnancy. I try to stop in the lead up to special occassions, I hide my hands in photographs or when talking to others who do not know what I do. I am ashamed if people ask me about it. I used to get asked a lot if I had excema on my fingers?!? I do pick my feet but this is my nails to the point I don't really have a little toe nail. Sometimes I limp as they hurt when the nails have been picked really low and have bled I often paint the skin with nail polish so that from a distance my feet would appear normal. I can let my toe nails grow a little if I wear socks. I never wear open toe shoes. tbh I hate to feel my toe nails if I can feel a slight ridge when I am checking them - in order to pick then I will pick. I guess I have learnt I can restrain myself if I really want to. This makes me ask why would I want to? What does picking give me??? I think if I could stop checking i would be ok - why do i check??? Thanks for letting me talk it has made me realise I know more about what i can control and what csp is to me than I thought. It is nice to have somewhere to talk and hopefully belong.
1 Answer
March 27, 2010
i truly hope opening up about your history with csp has helped you along the way to recovery from it. keep reading all you can about it on this site and keep thinking about it too. keep considering anything that will help you on the way to putting an end to it. the fact that you can do it for short periods of time, i think is a good sign and an indication that you will be able to, at some point, make it through a period of time that just might be endless. you just have to get yourself to the point to make a decision and commitment to do that. it sounds like you have the strength needed. again, keep reading and thinking and researching and hopefully your day 1 will arrive soon and each day following will lead to another day free of skin picking of any kind.

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