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eris23 , 07 Apr 2010


once your face clears up, as mine did, and you can stop wearing make-up and keep all the pores from being clogged, you get fewer zits, don't want to pick and hey, you're done. well, not quite. i've been using other methods of skin control, as have a lot of you. lately my favorite has been micro-dermabrasion, it unclogs pores and smoothes the rough patches. unless you over-do it. i was rubbing out a patch of blackheads on my nose and went too deep. now i have patches of Really new skin, covered with a layer of crusty skin.....oh the temptation, NEED to remove it. i just realized how i was using a tool for improving the appearance to sabatoge myself. i think its a powerful statement of just how strong this desire for self-mutilation is, when you can take positive action and still wind up harming yourself. and it happened for the same reasons i pick. Not being MINDFUL, not paying attention to what you're doing, why you're doing it. so ive made a decision, and i'm going to call it what it is, in print, in my head, in my heart. No more euphimisms,no more fooling myself. its SELF-MUTILATION, pure and simple and i refuse to participate in my own destruction. i'm worth more than that, we all are and obviously, anything that minimizes ones perception of the damage helps create a mental enviroment which supports it. so i'll kick myself in the head, use the right words for what i'm doing and not create a mental head-space where, "oh, it's just squeezing a zit, it's just taking off a cuticle." No, for normal people, that's ok but for me, its self-mutilation, driven by a need to see myself as less than worthy. Now, wheres the neosporin, i need to get this healing process started,again.
1 Answer
April 08, 2010
i hear you! and that it is, quite simply. self mutilation due to some sort of deep seated self loathing. i am trying the opposite approach. loving my skin. loving what i am. it feels much nicer too, than the gouging and scratching. i still have all my other problems, my depression, my loneliness, my isolation, my family issues and the like, but i am choosing to end the self harm. when the rest of the world is out of control, i can control my fingers. and i'm choosing for them to be nice now. and my skin is rewarding me by healing up and looking better. the sores have healed, the scars are fading, and i'm watching to see what my skin is "really" all about.

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