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mizzleclizzle , 10 Apr 2010

somewhere in the back of my head this addiction is bliss

i woke up this morning form having a very eventful stressful night. . a very close friend who i am trying to get over because we were involved deeply for several months came over. i cried, which felt extremely good because for those few moments everything was on the table and i could let everything out. but eventually things progressed. . not sexual or anything, but i got closer then what i should have been. as did he. way to take my psyche for a spin, ya know? anyways this morning i woke up with regret. i shouldn't have done what i did last night. i relapsed majorly. in more ways then one. i woke up and i started violently picking at my arms. i turn my head and look really close down my shoulders and upper arms for pores and spots of gray. i don't know if they are blackheads(i don't think they are) but i will use my fingernails to pinch small pores that look as if they will let something out of them. often it is water but those times it is not it will release pus(i think you could call it that) or some sort of white fluid. It will make this popping sound that only i can hear, and i feel like im soaring. its like a high.And writing about it right now i have this intensity to seek these spots out. . i know i have to stop so i will wear long sleeves or tight sleeves which make it harder to get too. but what ive noticed really helps is when i clip my nails to the skin. this way im not enable to pinch or grab my delicate skin. it leaves me with what looks like a break out of hives. red dots everywhere. it usually results in bruising, which then results in shame and clothes that cover every inch of my arms. i can touch my arms right now and feel the pain. i can feel the aching sores and somewhere in the back of my head this addiction is bliss.

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