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freshstart76 , 10 Apr 2010

Looking to heal - inside and out. Seeking advice to break out of this prison of picking...

Gosh, reading some of the posts on this forum just about made me cry. I could have written each and every one of them, and for so long I have felt oh so alone. I'm sad that we're all struggling with this issue, but I'm impressed - and inspired - by everyone's strength and determination to beat this. A little background on me: I didn't have any strong female influences growing up (my mother was an alcoholic), so when my brother brought home his fabulous girlfriend, she was the girl I decided I wanted to be like. One fateful day, I walked by our bathroom, and she was in there picking at her face. I recall that she was slightly embarrassed, but she brushed it off by saying that it was important to get rid of pimples before they hit full force. That very small moment in my life ended up triggering a twenty-year obsession. I'm a perfectionist, there's no doubt about it. Anxious? Absolutely. I was even recently - surprisingly - diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, even though I'm fully functioning... well, fully functioning while disguising and bottling up a ton of anxiety. My way to escape the stress and anxiety? Picking. I'm a 33 year old female and single. It's so strange because I have an incredible group of friends who think the world of me, but I have yet to have a serious relationship. I know the big reason for that is the picking. I don't want anyone to get close enough to me where I will have to unveil my scars, my obsessions... or even worse, have him around after a "session". Although I don't feel it, people comment that I am beautiful - this would be on days, of course, when I don't have a nickel-sized scab on my chin. When I'm having a good skin day, I typically capitalize on it. The result? Numerous one-night stands. That's been my go-to method of having "intimacy" in my life without having to commit to someone and having them, ultimately, reject me because of my picking. For years I escaped major skin injuries - even the few times when I ended up having to go to the emergency room because the inflammation from my picking made my face swell up. (The doctors must have wondered how the heck I got the damage on my face... so humiliating.) I have my "tools" that I use... usually metal rounded objects that help get leverage when I am - God help me - squeezing and picking. In the early years, I would get welts, but sometimes they would almost heal overnight, but then something changed. In my mid to late twenties, I started scarring pretty significantly - almost keloid-like scarring. I went from people saying my skin was beautiful - I got really good at applying make-up! - to people asking what the hell was going on with my face. The shame and embarassment that came from this new outcome of picking was soul-crushing. Embarrassingly, I have taken many days off of work because I had open wounds on my face that were disgusting. From someone who takes great pride in her work ethic, knowing that I've missed work due to self-inflicted injuries is just so upsetting. Not only that, but I've ruined several attempts at real relationships with a guy by cancelling on him suddenly with very little explanation. Who wants to tell a guy that you can't go out because I've got an disgusting open sore on my face? Nevermind that the cancellation is followed by days of "I can't see you", as I try to let my face heal. It makes me look crazy, and the minute a guy gets even the smallest hint of the "crazy vibe", they're g-o-n-e. The cycle that I'm caught in now is thinking that if I pick "one last time", I will get rid of these raised scars that seem to be filled with gunk (sorry for the gory details), and *then* I'll stop. Inevitably, I just keep making things worse and worse. Right now my chin is a web of scarring... which really got bad after I stupidly tried a round of Fraxel laser two years ago. It made my acne - and scarring - tendencies a million times worse. So, here I am. I have a great guy in my life right now who may or may not become a bigger part of my life. Right now I have huge scabs on my chin, and although he is in town this weekend, I am praying that he doesn't just stop by. How crazy is that? I want him in my life, but I feel sick at the thought of him dropping in and - heaven forbid - showing that he's interested in me. I want this whole weekend to hide and heal... without this need to heal and embarrassment at looking so hideous, I would be out and about and enjoying this glorious weekend. I don't want to be self-conscious anymore. I don't want to be applying layers of make up anymore. I don't want to be house-bound for days at a time in order to heal my self-inflicted wounds. I want to feel confident and beautiful, but I feel like the damage is so far gone that I will never get to live the life that I envision, freed from this self-created prison of picking and scarring. More than anything, I don't want this condition to rob me of anymore happiness. My life could be full and wonderful, if only I could get a grip on this life-limiting habit. Four months ago, I started losing weight, and I've transformed my body, so I know I have the ability to make big changes. Now it's time to transform my mind and my skin. Although I will read through previous postings and the other incredibly helpful information contained on this heaven-sent site, I would really appreciate any and all advice relating to the following: *Breaking the cycle *Healing scars - tried and true products or procedures (e.g. prescription products, rose hip oil, vitamin E capsules, Bio-Oil, tea-tree oil, olive oil, glycolic, etc.) *Treating back and chest acne and scars (ugh) *Anxiety-busters To everyone who has been so candid in sharing their experiences and struggles on this forum, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long, long time. Best wishes to everyone on their journey to break free of this condition...
15 Answers
randomshelly
April 10, 2010
hey, I just posted a forum, and am new here too. I've found that pure aloe vera gel does speed up healing! You can buy it from Holland and Barrett, you probably know all this cos if you're like me you google solutions to quick healing scabs and wounds all the time but if and when u get a scab, keeping it moist actually heals it faster which i didn't know until today, so just put some antibiotic cream on it. I cant help with tips to stop picking because I've only recently acknowledged that i have a problem but i know that just reading these forums and replying helps me feel less ugly and disgusting! sheila x
freshstart76
April 11, 2010

In reply to by randomshelly

I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know any of the info that you gave me in your post! Although I consider myself well-versed in the art of speedy healing, it's kind of funny that I never thought of aloe vera gel... but I'll give it a try as I try to heal from my *very last session ever*. As for keeping the wounds moist, I've alway done the opposite... dry the heck out of it and fast! I'm trying your approach this weekend though, and I have some antibiotic cream on it as I type. Thank you for taking the time to pass along these tips! :)
violet
April 13, 2010

In reply to by freshstart76

yeah, i always thought that drying my skin out would make it heal faster too... now, i'm trying to keep things moisturized, and i noticed that my back and chest look better! maybe it's just a placebo effect, but it's nice to just believe things are improving!!!
wildflower
April 10, 2010
it feels good to have a good routine that remains constant. and it is good to set goals. here is a topic i created with some healthy skin care guidelines. something to think about . <3 -----> http://www.skinpick.com/node/922 <-----
freshstart76
April 11, 2010

In reply to by wildflower

Thanks for this wildflower... I'm beginning to feel like you're the godmother of this forum. :) All the time, effort, and information you put into this forum is very much appreciated. I'm sure many people can owe their progress in beating this to you...
wildflower
April 11, 2010

In reply to by vicstic

you guys make me *smile*. just know that i really really like to hear about the positive changes in your experiences. keep 'em coming, and keep strong. i so want to help anyone and everyone break away from self harm and get to self love where you look in the mirror and say, my skin may not be perfect but it is healed and healthy and i can face the world just as i am and be proud.
vicstic
April 11, 2010
Hello, once again I feel compelled to write and say that we are very alike. Perfectionist- YES, sessions? Hell yes (mine are on a sunday evening so I have the week to heal) I too have a great man in my life and after finally opening up to him and finding such support, I feel bad for all the times I said I didnt want to see him or started a stupid argument because I wanted to hide away, not because I didnt want to see him. Many things are helping me right now, this site mosty and sharing with people. The funny thing is, now my loved ones know about it, I probably wont do it again because I dont want to dissapoint, but thats my personality. Speaking of personality, Ive read lots of posts and PERFECTIONIST comes up a lot, it seems to be a common feature. I probably will continue to squeeze spots, but NEVER on the scale that I have for years ever since my acne cleared up. Anyway, I find that JAN MARINI products help my skin to recover from some of the damage Ive done to my skin. I also like masks with enzymes or fruit aids in them to help with skin turnover. I am about to purchase some microdermabrasion products as a reward for not picking to and to start my new skin! Good luck to you x
freshstart76
April 11, 2010

In reply to by vicstic

I'm so happy to hear that you have all of the understanding people in your life with whom you can share your struggles. Gosh, I wish I could have gotten to a point with some of the men I've met in my life - including the current one who I care about deeply - where I could disclose my struggles. Sadly, he's not committed enough as yet, and I am so very frightened of the potential outcome should he find out that I'm battling this. I guess I just have to wait for that magic moment when you know that divulging that information will not scare someone anyway. I hope that I don't have these struggles much longer, but if I do, I hope that I can find someone who I can be open and honest with and who will support me. You're a very lucky girl... :) Thanks for sharing your story and for the product tips... I'll be sure to look into them.
vicstic
April 11, 2010

In reply to by freshstart76

I know, thanks for that. But i did wait for 7 years to tell him which is just as bad really. In the meantime however, youve got us!! And we can hopefully help eachother and act as your support and comfort.
emily dunning
November 09, 2010
For a long time now i have felt its just me going through this but they is many people out there suffering.Im only 16 but left school earlier than most due to bullying which i couldn't cope with much longer i was always the quiet one who was scared to say anything.At the age of 7 i was referred to a childrens doctor and was diganosed with austium and ADHD always i had been going to a physiothreapist and diganosed with dyspreixa i got bullied from a young age when to mainstream school but always felt the odd one out.These last couple of years i have been diagnosed with depression and anxeity disoder i suffer from bad panic attacks and rarely leave the house.Because of all the stress i took it out on my face nothing else to turn to ive done self harming in the past the scars will always remind me of dark times but i just hope if anything we can help each other through this.If anyone could recommend anything i could use on my face and arms i'd be very grateful thankyou xxx
topdrawer
November 09, 2010

In reply to by emily dunning

Hi Emily, see my comment up there of the regimen that I will try on.. It's very gentle and it can't hurt. If you can skip wearing foundation, all the better. Think that you're young and have time to heal, both inside and outside. And for the problems at school, would your family or you be ready to rellocate and start over somewhere else. Although sometimes it's not a solution, with strong determination and will to change your life, it can be done.
topdrawer
November 09, 2010
Hi Freshstart, Since you wrote this in April, I hope you found a way to get out of this self-inflicted hell that you described and which I know so well, unfortunatelly. This was, I promise, the last weekend I spent home alone, behind a closed door, because I made an open wound on my cheek. Out of a congested pore that could have as well stayed there and would have already been gone by now. I took two days off work to stay home and heal to the point where this thing can be covered enough. How sad is that? Today I just started reorganizing my life. It's been 10 years that I've been doing this to myself. I have scars, to me they are very visible, though it seems that people don't notice them much. For example, when I went to a cosmetic surgery for a free consult, they told me not to do laser, as it would be too harsh, and even talked me out of most things that I thought would be good for my indented scars. They recommended botox, as it would make my forehead more tight and so the scars would be less visible. I tried bio-oil, it did nothing except provoke some whiteheads. The thing that helped a little bit (I believe) especially with the overall skin tone - is glycolic acid that I bought on Amazon, though once I had it on for too long and it peeled my skin off. So you need not to be stupid like me and just follow the instructions. The rest of the times I used it, it was good, it made my face a little tight and more fresh-looking. What I figured out as huge help, is Cetaphil gentle cleanser and keeping the regimen simple, using less or no creams, and occassionaly putting on the tanning cream (vichy has a good one that smells nice, normally they smell awful). My skin is super sensitive, and fragile - seethrough on some spots. It was beautiful before I started tormenting it, as a 21-year-old! Whole adolecence with no problem at all and then....booom! Analysis could be long and there are plenty of possibilities, but I think my role-model in picking was this cousin that was 6 years older that picked on her skin as "cleansing" method (???) and I was under so much of her influence, she was from a big city and 6 years older.. unfortunately she didn't consider it to be ugly, she openly did it in front of me and my sister, I remember one time I thought: I need some pimples to pick on, that way I will feel as a girl, not a child (being 10 or so).. Also, I remember my mother picking on some congested pores on me when I was little. God, how wrong they were. But most of all I think the cause for this OCD behaviour in me is my insecurity, based on the lack of affection. .............. So, this is the last time I did it, and there is nothing that will make me change my mind after this. I made the whole list of this special regimen that I know will work for me in the sense that I won't have anything to pick on (that worked for a couple of months - as my skin picking is cyclical but now my self-conscienceness has grown to the size of anxiety and I just spent almost 4 (FOUR) days closed in my apartment, missing out on LIFE, because of one wound that I inflicted on me. A few years ago, one little thing wouldn't be so damaging to my courage to face the world, but right now, that I'm 32 and really consider myself responsible, etc. I couldn't even pick myself up to go to work. Right now, I came back from doing some errands, shopping for food etc. and decided to continue reminding myself, and reorganize my life completely (like control my expenses, save money, have middle-term goals on saving etc. because generally I just spend huge amounts of money on expensive cosmetics (!) creams (!) trying out stuff (cosmetics junkie) or some short-term pleasures and then I can never change anything in my life (like do a masters, for example). In relationships I feel the same way you do; you've described it so well... How could I ever let anyone see my scars? Some guys have already seen them and they didn't run away from that. But they did run away from the lunatic that I was, changing opinions/plans, etc. I need to heal. From the outside, this time, it will take a few days and the rest of my life NEVER TO REPEAT THIS AGAIN. I know it's a 10-year-habit that's hard to break, but for the last 3 years I've been trying to quit, having some good and long periods of not having problems at all, so I really hope that now after one sore spot that I made into a wound and that made me stay literally in bad crying and praying for 3 1/2 days, I AM READY TO LEAVE THIS IN THE PAST. So my regimen from today that I know will work for me (what didn't work for me were constant experiments with new face washes and creams): 1- cleanse VERY gently with Cetaphil gentle cleanser, rinse off with water, without tugging 2- pat dry very softly 3- during the day lancome oil free foundation 4- only on the nights when my skin is VISIBLY dry - put very little cream WITHOUT rubbing it in, only on the surface I know the scars will make me wanna cry for the rest of my life, but if I stop this habit NOW, I will have some options to improve the appearance of the scars: 1- glycolic acid peels (with extreme moderation) and only like once a month or even less frequently; 2- botox? as they suggested (told me that fill in with hialuronic acid wouldn't work for indented scars, and that laser is too harsh) 3- live with hope that some new procedure will be discovered? 4-maybe buy a facial solarium - there are some around 70Eur here, if it's not too bad for aging? It would be great to know if you had good progress since April - from the bottom of my heart I hope you have freed yourself from this misery that is hell itself!
hc
November 13, 2010
I have just got in to bed after destroying my skin with tweezers for the last 3 hours. I have just found this website after realising im getting so bad there is not a part of my body I won’t attack - face, neck, chest, legs, back, arms - any lump or bump I can find by running my hand across. Ive been picking at my skin since I was 12 and im now 26- and just this minute realised - I have a problem!! Reading all your comments has made me realise how terrible this condition is. I always thought it was a bad habit I did on a daily basis to try and have 'perfect' skin. I just couldn’t believe all the similarities with you all –feeling so 'dirty' afterwards, that I would have to take a shower to ‘clean’ my skin – to then apply cream to heal up all the scabs I’ve re-picked. Also, My fear for relationships due to the insanity of my picking (and for them to see the scars and pock marks all over my face and body) and the fear of rejection because I feel im not pretty or funny - im just ugly and boring. I do believe it’s due to low self esteem; I wear makeup every day, and have become fixated on getting facials, tan, nails, hair done to try and cover up the mess underneath. I wear scarf’s every day to try and hide the scaring on my chin and neck and also find myself having one night stands. This is only because at the time im having a 'good' day but knowing these are rare and do not last, I make the choice not ever want to see him again so he cannot see the real me with no makeup, tan, concealer etc ..... With all off this, I have found a really good skin repair cream for the face and natural healing cream for the body to heal up the spots and bleeding, there natural products called Botanica (Botanicabeauty.com), and ive recently began using bare minerals makeup to help prevent some of the spots in the first place but there bisque concealer is brilliant for hiding big red blemishes and actually works!! I cant belive im only now accepting that I need to do something about this, that its not just a bad habit and Im not the only person that feels and acts this way. Tomorrow im going to find help and face up to whatever it is that leaves me feeling this way Thank you all so much

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