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Kait , 02 Jun 2010

I feel so thankful to have found you all!

It's so wonderful to finally know I'm not alone and that there are others with this problem. I have been a picker for as long as I can remember but it recently became severe when I was under a lot of stress. I also think that the tri nessa I was taking made the problem worse because I have never been as bad with picking as I was when I started taking this birth control. It caused me to have anxiety and depression and my face started breaking out more so naturally the urge to pick was more severe. I started to fixate on my nose and actually took a needle and dug deep blackheads out of the left side. I have caused permanent damage as a result and am considering laser to minimize the damage because I can't stand to look at what I've done to myself and I can't stand to see the damaged pores. Disgusting. I didn't even realize that I was causing the damage, I thought that something strange was happening to my skin and I didn't know why! I started to realize it more and more and the more I realized something was seriously wrong, the more I obsessed over it. I checked the mirror hundreds of times during the day and it got to the point where I couldn't even function. One night, as I was picking on my face, there was a show on the TV about BDD and that's when it really hit me. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I have always been a very motivated person and even graduated with honors. I started having panic attacks and I didn't know what was wrong. I think the severe fixation with my nose started in March, but I can't really know for sure. As I said before, I've always been a picker and have caused some scarring but it was really minimal in comparison to what most recently happened. I felt devastated and terrified by the fact that I had caused this damage without really realizing it. Even though I was about to graduate from college, I had to go home a few days before graduation because I was having suicidal thoughts. My mom thought I was overreacting and insisted I go to graduation anyway. I went and I think I will always regret it because it's such a terrible memory. I had such bad anxiety during graduation that I almost left in the middle of the ceremony. I really broke down after that and haven't been out of the house in a month because I honestly hit rock bottom afterward. I keep looking back on my past and realizing that I've always had this problem. I've never been formally diagnosed with OCD but I've been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember and I can see now that I've probably always had BDD. At one time or another, I have fixated on every part of my body and found serious fault with it, the face just became the most prevalent issue. I had one of those vanity mirrors during college with the 5x mag so I am sure that caused my perspective to be distorted even more. I have also picked at every other part of my body at some point, my back, my chest, my legs, the skin on my feet, any scab, dry skin, pimple, my nose, my scalp, my cuticles. In addition, I pick at hair. I know this is a separate but possibly related disorder. I overplucked my eyebrows over time although they used to have a perfect shape and I'm in the process of growing them back now which is extremely difficult to tolerate. I hate body hair as well and I have to remove all of it except for the hair on my arms which doesn't bother me as much. It was so difficult to have this realization all that once that I broke down completely. I tried to talk to my mom about it but she is in denial and just tells me to stop picking, stop plucking. She doesn't want to admit I have a serious problem that spiraled out of control even though she has always seen what I've done to myself. I can barely function. I am so depressed. I know I need to get help. I keep looking at pictures of myself from the past few years and I can see the physical changes. I used to be so pretty and my skin was very clear, I had no scars and my eyebrows were normal. Even though I always picked, my skin healed well. I never took a needle to my face like that before. Words cannot explain how devastated I am. I need advice on where to start seeking help. I know I can't do this on my own but it's hard to keep going without support. I've been exploring the causes and I was abused as a child by my mother's boyfriend so I feel that may be what triggered all of this. I feel your pain and my heart goes out to all of you! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
14 Answers
kmj
June 03, 2010
kmj I am fairly new to this, too and my heart goes out to you so much. One thing I feel is true about this is where this comes from. this site has helped me see the many reasons we pick. With my family history I can see that it is somewhat hereditary and also part of my upbringing. Because I have struggled with depression and anxiety and I have been at this since I was 14, I feel compelled to stress that you see a mental health specialist-one that specializes in OCD. You do not need to be rejected by an insensitive health care provider. I can feel your pain and suspect that this is not an isolated issue for you. I am sure you are very beautiful still and your worth is great regardless of what you have done and you can get better. Your mom cannot help you. My mom could not help me and still can't. I'm sure your mom's reaction makes you feel worse. Don't let it. It does not mean she does not love you, she is just not in a place where she can help you. She doesn't understand. Only those of us who do it understand. I understand. Please accept this as a big cyber-hug. I am open to sharing anything with you that may help!
Kait
June 03, 2010

In reply to by kmj

kmj, Thank you so much for your reply. I believe this is part of my family history as well. My mom also has OCD although she denies it. She is a hoarder. I was recently told that my grandmother would pick at the skin on her heels to the point where it was raw. I also think I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life and depression off and on. I will look into finding a mental health specialist that specializes in OCD. I actually saw on this site that there is one who specializes in CSP but she is about 2 and a half hours away. Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I can't tell you how much that means to me right now. Thank you for the big cyber-hug. I am giving you one too. =)
lifeisbeautiful
June 03, 2010

In reply to by Kait

My mom and sister are hoarders! My mom also has depression and anxiety. I'm sure there is a genetic link to CSP. It's good to know where it comes from, now we need to figure out how to stop! I've had a couple of bad CSP sessions this week. It's so hard to curb the picking in times of stress. I've been taking 1000 mg of N-acetylcysteine for the past couple of weeks. I read that taking at least 1200 mg a day of NAC will STOP the picking urges. I will increase my dose to 1500 mg (I have 500 mg capsules) and will keep you posted on my success.
lifeisbeautiful
June 03, 2010

In reply to by kmj

I bought it at a natural grocery store (Whole Foods). Any place that has a wide range of supplements probably carries NAC. You can also buy it online at www.puritan.com. Let me know if it works for you. Apparently skin pickers and hair pullers are deficient in this amino acid. I wonder how they discovered that?! So random.
Kait
June 04, 2010

In reply to by lifeisbeautiful

There definitely has to be a genetic link! I wish I could have stopped before it got so out of control. I can't believe that I've actually done permanent damage. I may try NAC because I am willing to try anything at this point. I have no idea where to go from here. I would give anything to not have this disorder. Ugh. Definitely keep me posted on your success.
bjv
June 04, 2010
I found this site two days ago and also feel very happy to have found others like me. I'm not a Dr. so I can't say for sure but I do believe that childhood abuse has a lot to do with csp. I was sexually abused by 6 different people when I was between age 1 or 2 (don't remember when it started but its my first memory) to age 17. I never picked during this time which I think is kind of strange, for this is when the immediate abuse was happening. I started picking when I was 19. It started when I found a little blackhead on my arm and was satisfied when I picked it out. I would spend hours at a time in the bathroom picking, scratching, and pulling. Over the past three years, I've been able to significantly decrease the amount of time spent in the bathroom due to major support from my husband. I also used timers when I would take a shower. I wish you luck and pray that your mom can understand the effects that this is having on you.
Kait
June 05, 2010

In reply to by bjv

Thanks for the support. It sound like you have been through hell and are still working through it. That gives me some faith that I can get through this too. I hope she can begin to understand how difficult it is for me to stop and how devastated I am that I caused permanent damage to myself. It doesn't help that her ex-boyfriend was the abuser because she doesn't want to take any responsibility for what happened even though she knew about it and still kept him in our lives for many years. I have so much anger toward her that I know it can't be healthy.
bjv
June 05, 2010

In reply to by Kait

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm glad that her ex-boyfriend is no longer in the picture. Has he ever been charged for the abuse? Have you talked to a professional about your past? It was helpful for me to see a therapist. It's one of the hardest things to do but also one of the best. We also talked about csp -- that was also really helpful.
Kait
June 06, 2010

In reply to by bjv

Yes, he is finally out of my life for good. For years after they split she rented the back garage out to him which was a constant reminder for me. I don't even know how she could associate with him or stand to talk to him after what he did to me but I guess denial is her strongest coping mechanism. He was never charged for the abuse and I hope he isn't around any children because I have no doubt in my mind that he would do it again. It torments me to think that someone else could be experiencing the same thing I went through for years and now that I've come to terms with my picking and pulling problem, even moreso. I haven't talked to a professional about my past but I am guessing that is going to be the next big step for me. I would like to talk about my CSP and Trich issues as well although I have a feeling that is going to be even more humiliating for me. I am still trying to accept that this isn't my fault. I feel a very overwhelming sense of responsibility for what I've done to myself.
kmj
June 05, 2010

In reply to by Kait

Kait, I'm angry for you. I'm so sorry that she new and did not stop it. She is in denial of the part she played in all this. It's not uncommon. She is not able to understand because she has not walked in your shoes. What have you said to her before about your picking, why you think you do it, etc? I'm curious. Does she make any connection between what you do and the abuse? I'm curious but my motivation is to understand your situation better. Anyway, I hurt for you.
Kait
June 06, 2010

In reply to by kmj

She is in major denial and I think that makes me more angry than anything. Now that I am living with her again it is practically intolerable. Time after time she has denied her part in it and has told me she always did the best she could. I recently told her how I feel about the connection between being abused and picking/pulling. She initially became very angry. She doesn't want to think she had ANY part in anything. She thinks that she is a better mother than her mother was and from what I've heard (and seen in the past when my grandma was still alive), maybe it's true. Her mother was physically/verbally abusive and they had a difficult relationship forever. My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship as well that was physical at times, especially when I was in high school with slapping and such and her always telling me to 'let my eyebrows grow out', that they looked bad (even when they still looked fine), why wasn't I wearing eye make-up, etc., never worse than that though. Although I do think that it contributed to how I felt about myself and the excessive picking/pulling. I am terrified to ever have children because I don't want the cycle to continue. I find myself hating her and then feeling bad for hating her. It's a very negative situation and I am doing my best to get well enough so that I will be able to move out. I simply don't have anywhere else to go right now because my boyfriend left me after I had my breakdown. Her denial is so deep that even after I had to come home because I was having panic attacks/suicidal thoughts (which is very unlike me, I am normally very calm, happy and have never wanted to commit suicide before), she sent me to graduation and gave me percocet (and ambien the night before) to calm me although it really did nothing. I was so upset on the way to graduation that I wanted to jump out of the car but my boyfriend was with me and prevented me from attempting it. Again, I had told her all of this during the days I was home prior to graduation but she felt I was just upset, over-reacting and it would pass so she sent me anyway although I was clearly having some kind of mental breakdown. It was terrible. I couldn't make small talk with people I had known for years, or even eye contact and I felt like everyone knew what I had done to my face/what I was feeling, the anxiety I had during the entire graduation was incredible, I have never been so anxious in ALL my life. I wanted to stand up and scream "This isn't how it's supposed to be" and run off. I have absolutely no idea how I restrained myself for 2+ hours during the ceremony. It felt like an eternity to me. My boyfriend stayed at home with me for a week but couldn't take it anymore because I was quite out of control. As I said before, I was having severe suicidal ideation, and a few days after starting prozac, I cut myself with a razor. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth and if I can't say it here, where can I say it? I know prozac can increase suicidal ideation so I'm not sure if that was part of it? Likely, I should have been hospitalized but she didn't want it on my record so she kept me at home. I have improved quite a bit during the past month but I am still depressed and angry. The only thing that keeps me motivated to go on is the hope that I will get better and move away from here forever! Far away. I know I have to at least get the depression under control before that is possible but it is lifting a little. I have been functioning at least. Wow, that was incredibly difficult to admit, even in writing. And I know, this sounds crazy. I need help. She can't help me. I can't do this alone. I think I have passed the point of needing to be hospitalized but I clearly have some deeply rooted issues that need to be addressed immediately and should have been addressed years ago before it ever got to this point.
whyme
June 04, 2010
Wow, hugs to all (I'm new as well) ■ ~why me (whyyou? whyanyofus?)
Kait
June 05, 2010

In reply to by whyme

Hugs to you. I don't know why this had to happen to anyone. It truly is a terrible and poorly understood disorder. I can't tell you how many times I've been told to just stop and why didn't I stop before it got to this point! My mom has even told me "You just want to be mentally ill, you want to be sick for the rest of your life." I think not. No one would choose this. It is ruining my life.

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