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unicorn11 , 26 Dec 2010

merry christmas, i look like a monster

i did the 21 day challenge. i made it 4 days. til the end of xmas eve. then, i went on a tyraid christmas morning before work; i guess its cuz its christmas day and i have to work and my family is all away. im alone. the first few days, it was great. i bought mad expensive {surprisingly} colored post-its and put pretty christmas trees and heart stickers on them and stuck them on my mirror. pink, green, blue, then purple {the ones they gave me the least amount of. i was saving them for special times}. it was this one spot on my face. i am a face picker and any sign of a pimple or "enlarged" pore will set me off. during the challenge, i let it go. to me though, it kept getting bigger and i wished i had done something about it sooner. finally this morning, i indulged, promising i would only do that one. it turned into my whole face. you see, what made me do the challenge in the first place was in part due to a recent dermatology appointment. my picking led to an enormous cyst on my cheek for months. once my doctor drained it, it was still miscolored albeit much smaller. this was clearly not good enough for me since it was still visible. what really set me off though, was in the days following, i picked again and was dead set convinced that i had created another unbearable cyst on my forehead. there was no point of entry that i could tell, from years of experience, that would make it go away without medical attention. {i have been picking my face for 10 years, and i am 21. my mom showed me what a rush it was to see blood and pus come out, almost like cutting, which i had a brief stint with but decided that simply picking to get the same rush was more acceptable and humane. hmmm...} it is completely overwhelmingly addicting and i feel like im in a trance when i do it. i really feel like im helping myself sometimes. Anyway, christmas morning i saw a small hole in the cyst that in my experience would tell me that it's ready to come. sorry if this language does not resonate with you all. it's just my own story. i proded at it thinking that i could walk away eventually without applying pressure. but the vision of percieved whiteness among redness and, the compulsion was too strong and i gave it all my might. all or nothing. at first i was highly anxious, but then it happened: it burst. my anxiety deteriorated and was replaced by euphoria. i had conquered the "cyst". but it still looked horrible. and i still wanted to stop. so much so, that i took a picture of my face right after picking for the second time/episode on christmas, hoping to show myself how ugly i really am on camera and use it as negative reinforcement, or a scare tactic, rather than "positive reinforcement" like the sticky notes and 21 day challenge. it was disgusting. i looked like i had been punched in the face multiple times, like a domestic violence victim. but i had done it all to myself. self injurous. i felt like i was beating a dead horse but couldnt stop. i have tried so many things over the years. Covering up my whole mirror with magazine pictures, but i needed space to put on my makeup to cover up what is already there. {its a cycle}. Wearing gloves, but my nails would cut through them. {i am persistent and i cannot get in the habit of wearing gloves everytime i enter the bathroom because i deny that they will be necessary, it's just that im extremely impulsive}. fake nails didnt work. i didnt give habit reversal enough of a shot without getting discouraged. putting sticker stars on my calendar helped for a while, but never sustainingly. the most hope i have gotten from watching all the videos on this site is the OCD factor of this disorder. i really feel like no one can understand my behaviors, and even close people i have told do not fully understand. but once i learned more about ocd, which i actually denied having until this point {i always just thought of picking as "oc spectrum", easier to say but whatever that means}, i realized that i do not always feel alone even though many people cannot understand my struggle.
12 Answers
sho1234
December 27, 2010
I understand hun, its soul destroying I know. I guess as we are stuck in this cycle, We have to stop it. Otherwise we are not gna conquer it. We have proved to ourselves that we arent helping our skin atall as we are in the exact same situation week after week. What a shame that our christmas has bin ruined by this eh :-(
Need_to_quit
January 05, 2011

In reply to by Shorty999

Hi, I am new here. I am 34 and have had a problem picking at least since I was about 12. When I got acne as a teenager the problem became really bad. I have picked my arms and legs, and I had a problem with nail biting, but that has improved greatly since I started to take an interest in nail varnish. I have lots of nice colours and I do find the polish stops me biting so much. My main problem (because you can't hide it under clothes!) is my face. I have quite a few moles and would always scratch at them; this has thankfully become less of a problem since I treated some of them with "Wart Mole Vanish". I was petrified of doing it but it turned out ok - they go really icky for a bit but end up smaller and less noticeable. What I still have a massive problem with is acne. It turns up on my chin and around my nose whenever I am stressed - which, lately, is all the time. I've bought anti-acne products (haven't we all) and wash my face a lot, but I can't help picking the scabs. And every time I wake up in the morning, there is a new tender bit waiting to pop. I really sympathise with those of you who have said that doctors or friends/family aren't understanding. It's terribly hard in the first place to mention this problem to anyone (I only have to one friend and the occasional doctor who said something to the effect of "snap out of it"). I am looking for therapy right now and also need to get up the courage to see a dermatologist. I keep hoping that I will be abl to control the picking for enough days for the problem to stop. But since the acne keeps coming back, there is no end to it! I don't wear makeup much because frankly, I would just pick through the makeup and I always feel it makes my skin even more prone to acne. Also, it gives my skin a "tight" feeling. I don't mind it for evenings, but not during the day. But I do feel like a freak, and I want to address this now!
Aargh
December 30, 2010
I hear ya and am singin' the same tune. I refused to let my family take pictures as we opened presents Christmas morning because I had no makeup on and my hair was pulled back--exposing to everyone my scars and bandages. Now I'll have no photo-memories of this really special Christmas because I, too, looked like a monster (or at least thought I did). My mom didn't even argue when I ducked out of the pictures, so gee, I must look really bad. Sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of myself reflected in a window or mirror and I am genuinely startled at my appearance. I think I must mutter "I look like $hit" almost 50 times a day. Can't be good for my already low self-esteem. Add to that my recent weight gain and I feel like a not-so-hot mess. Why can't we stop hurting ourselves--physically and emotionally? Everyone I see is quick to ask about what happened to my face, but no one seems to have a clue what is really going on here. Or care about it. I am baffled that my husband hasn't said something about this to me. It's impossible to ignore my disfiguring scars so I can't decide if he just doesn't care or if he's avoiding confrontation. Why do we get so little support from the ones we love the most? So unicorn11, I feel your pain. Literally. Our family and friends aren't going to help us, so I guess that just leaves fellow pickers to turn to for encouragement and understanding. God, I wish I had a friend I could talk to about this--someone in a similar situation. Then maybe we wouldn't all feel like freaks.
Shorty999
December 30, 2010

In reply to by Aargh

Hey Aargh...I understand how you feel. I have asked my boyfriend who lives with me to help me, but he's so fed up with the situation...he has said "you have to help yourself" O yea, like that's going to happen. I also would not let my family take pictures on christmas day, but everyone says "you don't look that bad...only you notice it." But I feel, if I can see it, they can see it. Right now i have 2 huge scabs on my chin, which Im telling myself not to pick, but I know I'll get a shower and rub at them. I have a dermatologist appointment today...Im hoping they give me something to help, even though I know deep down that what really would help is not to pick. I have 4 days off work, so maybe that will help. Who knows...nothing seems to help anymore.
emythestrange
December 30, 2010

In reply to by Shorty999

My cousins stopped by unexpectedly on my birthday (the day after Christmas) to wish me a happy birthday and merry Christmas but at the time I had no makeup on so I hid in my room the entire time and told my parents to tell them I was sick.... And my family say the same thing! You look fine, you're the only one who notices it, and my dad's favorite line, "You are your own worst critic". But I know they see it. Once in a while I'll get a brief bit of confidence to go out in public with only a tiny bit of makeup and I'll ask my mom if I look ok to go to the store and she'll give me a look and I'll realize in shame that I do, in fact, need makeup so I'll look ok. Or I'll say that I look like I have some flesh eating disease and no one will deny it. My boyfriend says he's always willing to help me but I know deep down he's probably sick of me picking and sick of me complaining about it... I hate this.
Shorty999
December 31, 2010

In reply to by emythestrange

I feel for ya...I hate when people stop without calling first or making arrangements and I hate constantly cancelling arrangments because of my inconfidence. I went to the dermatologist today and my boyfriend was there and ofcourse the derm said "you have to stop picking" and ofcourse, the boyfriend had the "I told you so look" Ughh! I'm gonna try though. I have 4 days off work where I don't need to go anywhere, so im gonna try my hardest. I'll be thinking of ya!
unicorn11
January 07, 2011

In reply to by Aargh

i hope you're doing ok..making any recent strides? im rooting for you,,if you need someone to talk to let me know. we all need support in beating this. right now im pretty tempted..i feel like a lot has gone wrong in the last 6 hrs. im trying, i think ill be good. my email is theunicorn11@gmail.com if u or anyone wants to talk and get through temptation.
unicorn11
January 04, 2011
Hey guys..i can relate to something that all of you said, thanks for being so open and honest. Happy 2011! eleven is my favorite number and i was really looking forward to this year. new beginnings. It is now January 3rd and i havent picked since new years eve! Thats three days..almost to the four that i had around christmas. im not using the sticky notes right now. i figure ill put them up once i mess up this time, sort of a reversal of what i did before. i am hopeful. it was hard not to give up but i really want this. i just have to convince myself that in the long run i will look better. im trying to push the idea of picking out of my mind as much as i can and keep myself busy..because giving it alot of weight, attention and influence doesnt seem like it can be helpful. well anyway we'll see how this time goes..im rooting for all of you and dont give up!
cyihateme
January 04, 2011
I completely relate to your story. I am 22 and I have been picking since I was fourteen. Everything that you're struggling with, the promising yourself that your just going to fix the one and then not being able to stop until you make an absolute mess of yourself, I know that story nearly everyday of my life. I lie to myself everyday and I am sick and tired of it!!! It seems like the longer you try to go without picking, the pressure just keeps building and building until you finally give in, and then you feel so satisfied for a whole second. I know I have even heard myself in the moment say out loud, "Yes, that is what I am talking about!' And then all I can think about is to keep going and going just to keep that feeling. Because I know that when I finally stop and painfully look at my red, swollen and bloody skin the anger, and hopeless shame is going to be overwhelming. Recently my picking has been escalating more and more. I normally pick my face, shoulders and arms, but in the past year it has spread to my chest, back and legs, and most recently my scalp. I guess lately I am getting desperate for help. I know what it feels like to not feel understood. It wasn't until two years ago that I have begun to be more open about it with myself and my family. No one seems to understand what I am going through. I have spoke to two different therapists and my dermatologist about it, and it seems like they don't think it is a big problem. Well I am not going to continue to be in denial, because it is a big problem. This skin picking is what has been holding me back from living my life and becoming the person I know I can become. I hope to find the help that I need to overcome this because I am not getting any younger. I have now noticed not only the negative emotional and spiritual effects on my body, but the effects it is having on myself physically. I cannot continue this much longer. I need help. I need to quit.
unicorn11
January 05, 2011

In reply to by cyihateme

i know what you mean. i first went to a therapist about picking 4 years ago when i was 17, because it is a problem that i feel alot of people cant relate to or take seriously. i had never heard of this site at the time, and i literally thought i was the only weird one that was obsessed with something that no one else (that i knew) was. i too have felt that sigh of relief and "thats what im talking about" moments and couldnt understand why picking was giving me that reaction and making me feel so much better for a moment, but then soo much worse and shameful. i did a ton of research at the time and actually found alot of information about CSP and dermatillomania, and how it is an OC-spectrum disorder of ocd. i highlighted and made notes because it was the first time i had found information that fit so perfectly with what i was going through. i showed the therapist the research and notes and she was really impressed. that helped her take me seriously, since i went through the effort of doing it, so maybe if you try showing them something like that it would help. she worked on habit reversal and cognitive behavioral therapy, and we tried to come up with different options. the one i am most excited about lately is the idea of putting a different color light in my bathroom, like a red heating light. ive been in that environment and it really conceals imperfections and i actually feel like i look ok. i really hope you and everyone else gets the help they need, just keep trying different things and be persistent. mind over matter. we can do it! :)

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