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caitlin90 , 04 Jan 2011

My Story

I remember the first time I ever picked. I was in kindergarten on the playground, and my knees were healing from falling a few days earlier. I don't know why I picked at it but I did. It amazes me that as a little kid I had these symptoms. I've continued to pick for the rest of my life and I'm 20 years old now. When I got acne, it got worse. When the stress of bullying, school, and family occurred, it got even more worse. I grew up as an only child and a tom boy, which made me very lonely and with little friends. When my parents got divorced and my mom moved out, my dad started to get abusive and I lived mostly with him for 8 years. My dad never picked, but he never took care of himself either because has always been an alcoholic. When I was around 13, I saw my mom pick at her legs. I never thought twice about it until I came to this site and how this disease might be hereditary. I always thought the wounds on my face were from acne alone. In high school, I finally put two and two together and realized I had something to do with it. I never really wanted to stop, so it kept going. It grew to my arms and eventually my back. I was also the biggest hypocrite when I scolded my mom for picking at her nail cuticles. And I was doing the same damn thing to my face and back! Her fingers looked horrible and I hated it when she did it in front of me. She never stopped and I thought she was so weak. But I'm no better. And it's not about being weak at all, because I know I'm a strong woman. This is a disease and we have to fight back. When I started dating my boyfriend, my first prom dance came around. As I tried on some dresses, my mom said, "You need to stop that picking." I turned red from embarrassment and agreed. A year passed, and I was trying on new dresses for my second prom. My mom said the same exact phrase because I never stopped. I still haven't stopped. In college, it got better on my face but worse on my back. Freshman year, I was watching TV in bed with my boyfriend (same boyfriend from high school). I don't know how it came up, but he finally asked what was on my back. I never took my shirt off in front of him and he eventually noticed. I cried for about 5 minutes and said I wasn't going to tell him. I eventually said weakly, "I pick at my skin." He laughed and said "Everyone does that, I do that. A big pimple that's annoying I'll get rid of it." But I shook my head crying and said, "No, I can't stop." I told him that I've been doing it forever and it's not just on my face. Then he said the most fearful thing ever, "Show me your back." I continued to sob and slowly raised my shirt. I felt SO ashamed when I revealed it. It's like I could feel his eyes like lasers just judging me. He said how sad he was that I was hurting myself and he really wanted me to stop. I forced myself to get better. I found this site and eventually diminished my picking, but it never stopped. When summer came around, my father figure (my grandpa) fell greatly ill and I was desperately searching for a job but no one wanted me. The picking got worse again, especially when my boyfriend stopped talking about it. In my whole life, I've must have told myself to stop over 1000 times! I've noticed that I do it when I'm nervous, anxious, reading, or bored. I've read that some people do it in front of a mirror and a mirror is a trigger, but for me, if I see what I'm doing I stop. The mirror actually helps me. I think I also have a bit of OCD because it's like the wound feels like it doesn't belong and I'd rather have my skin be smooth. I drink coffee, which probably doesn't help with the anxiety. But I need the mental energy to take my hard classes. I'm trying to get into pharmacy school. Now we come to today. My boyfriend ignores the wounds now, just like I have since a kid. I'm finished with ignoring the problem. I tried the 21 day challenge and made it to day 2 before I crashed, and 2 days is actually really good for me. I'm on day 1 again now, and I'll keep trying this challenge until I defeat it. My mom works at a great rehabilitation center (alcoholism, sex addicts, depression, anorexia, etc) and she gives great advice from her work. Most people get their addictions from trauma and imbalances in their life. I've read books that say that shame is the worst feeling we can have. It makes us feel worthless. I'm sick of the shame. When I pick, I feel like I have no worth and I feel shame. I know I have worth, and so do you! We all have worth and there is always hope. If I'm going to be a pharmacist and help people, I need to help myself first. And I think to help my treatment, I should involve myself on this site. So let's talk. Thanks for reading and it's very nice to meet all of you! :)
12 Answers
Shorty999
January 04, 2011
Your story is very touching...I'll be thinking of ya, and, like you said, it just never seems to stop no matter how hard you try. I have eczema and I see one snag of skin and I want to peel it off and it turns into a big sore. I, too, tried the 21 day challenge. I took 4 days off work and did really well, then when I went back to work, I got worse again. Work is definately my trigger. I always feel anxious because I've lost a lot of jobs, so I always feel like Im gonna lose another one. I also work in the mental health field, which probably doesn't help. If I can't help myself, what makes me think I can help anyone else?
caitlin90
January 04, 2011

In reply to by Shorty999

Yeah, I'm stuck with the same problem about giving advice but not following it. I guess I should get more selfish... ha ha. I'm assuming we just can't determine our own reality, but we can see everyone else's reality. As for the 21 day challenge, I'm just going to keep trying and trying with different forms of support every time. I'm hoping the positive actions will turn into a positive habit. :)
RRW513
January 06, 2011
I just wanted to say that telling your boyfriend was very brave of you. I've tried to tell mine, but he just laughs like yours did and then I pretend it's no big deal.
caitlin90
January 06, 2011

In reply to by RRW513

It has definitely been the defining moment of my whole "picking life" so far. I was SO scared and ashamed but I'm glad I did it. It was like an intervention moment. My boyfriend didn't and doesn't understand but he does care. The fact that he was so caring really helped me heal. Keep trying if you want your boyfriend's support. He might have a wall up, but different methods can break it down. Maybe show him everything you're doing? When my boyfriend saw mine, he became very, very serious.
RRW513
January 07, 2011

In reply to by caitlin90

there's really nothing to show. I pick my scabs as they come so I normally only have like 3-4 scabs at a time that I pick, and I pick my scalp, but I have cut down so it's healed some and it's hard to show someone your scalp anyway. He can already see the scars that I have since they are all over me but I always tell people I scar easily so I don't think he would get that they are really because I pick not because I scar easily. I'm sure I could think of a way to explain it to him and he would listen, but it takes so much courage to even mention it to begin with that when he ignores it I lose the courage to explain further.
caitlin90
January 07, 2011

In reply to by RRW513

Yeah, that makes the situation harder... It sounds like he could use time to understand. His support would be nice, but I'm sure you can heal without it as well. :)
lovanah
January 11, 2011
My family doesn't consider it a big issue at all. They just tend to complain and criticize me whenever they get the chance to see something, I have scabs all over me. I used to go to a therapist last year, but it didn't help.
caitlin90
January 23, 2011

In reply to by lovanah

My dad used to do that. He doesn't have it but he sees that I do it. The funny thing is that he stopped even complaining about it a couple of years ago. I wonder if he just gave up. Keep trying new things, the more treatments you try, the closer you are to getting better. :)
Lilith.
January 11, 2011
Hi. I'm from Portugal and I've discovered this website today. I'm just 15 years old. Sorry if my English woun't be good enough, but I'm just starting. I've been fighting this problem almost for 6 years. Not much as you but I'm just a teenager. For me it's really dificult. I've been in so many doctors and I did so many treatments that maybe could work, but it didn't happened. I'm worried about myself. Two months ago I found out that maybe cover my arms, legs and chest, it'll be getting better. And It did (: I had some massages to feeling my skin from a differente view (I was to sensible) and I'm taking pills to "dry" my skin. And getting better. Without a doubt. But I'm scared about the future. Maybe is not so easy then it looks. Tlaking about "looks", I hate when someone ask me why I have it. My friends (does who never would leave and love me no matter what), they understand and support me. But I know that out there is people that suffers for don't knowing what dermatillomania is. Even don't know what they have. And others peoples say to them: "Oh, just stop with it". But it's so hard... This disease should be knowed about people. I just what to say that we can cry. A lot. We can pass hours doing this. But we are more stonger then this. PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP OF YOUR LIFES. Out there is a solution. Something that you just can find in your hearts. Please, try.
caitlin90
January 23, 2011

In reply to by Lilith.

It's really nice to hear that you're getting better :). Through this site I've gotten better also, but not 100% yet. I'm still trying and I hope I always will. Keep up the good work! :)
lifespan01
January 26, 2011
After reading this site I came to know that many people has this habit and they often try to hide it form others. but we need to understand that all we want to cure from it and it can be done by consulting a dermatologist.
drSpockwa
January 27, 2011
I can relate with you on the mirror being a deterrant and on your triggers (anxious, bordom, reading) as well as the idea of trying to smooth out your skin. I've been on and off caffeine and I don't think it makes much of a difference. Good post. Hope you defeat it. I'm going to have to check out the 21 day challenge.

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