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freeasever , 04 Dec 2008

freeasever/whatever

So awhile ago I wrote how I beat this battle and I was so proud. Well guess what? I have started picking about 2 weeks after I posted it. I really thought I had it under control. As soon as my mother came back from her trip with her friend (which is a man-inwhich I say still married to my father) I started to pick again. From talking to her and the stress at work it came back. Now I find I am picking my face more and more and I want it to clear up before the holidays. So I am putting everything on it possible to get it cleared. I know that I can hide the rest of my body but my face was the only part really that I had left. Talking to a psy. did help me but not enough to get ride of it like I dreamed to. I am 34 yrs old and had this for 5 yrs. I'm tired of picking but it seems the only thing that keeps me balanced. How strange does that sound. I wish there was more awareness about this problem. Its great writting on here but wouldn't it be nice to meet people face to face, see thier scares and hear thier pain. Why can't the world help us? This is not life threatening but it is self distructive. I have my good and bad days. I think today is a bad one. Maybe tommorrow will be better. From freeasever (whatever!) I think never.
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Alleaha
December 04, 2008
Hi. I've been taking note of your comments and am so glad you decided to write in again. I am so impressed w/your accomplishment of not picking for several weeks! I know you've started doing it again but we all do that. Just view it as a relapse and don't give up. The very fact that you made it that far w/o incidence should be empowering. You know you can do it, and what's more, you can do it again! I find it very encouraging to read your blogs because I believe we might have more in common than some. I too am older and married (w/one son) but have been picking for a much longer time. However, it started to get worse in my late twenties. I am now 44, although I don't think age means a whole lot in this case except for my 'claim to fame' as a CSP 'veteran.' haha Anyhow, it's comforting for me to know that there are also others nearer my age who deal w/this. It sounds like you've done quite a job on yourself too. My whole body is pretty much covered w/red sores and/or scars. I tried to stop last week but only made it for about 4 days. It is a very hard thing to do, that's for sure. But as much as I roller-coaster up and down, I just don't want to let it beat me. Even though it's been for so long now, it's become much worse in the last 5 years or so. As far as public awareness goes, I don't think the world can help us; there will always be critics as well as inconsiderate people who will poke fun at it. (I happened to notice one such thing on YouTube the other day). I can do w/o that. In the meantime, what we have found in the way of communication w/each other is priceless. I will be going to see a mental health counselor next week too (which I have done in the past) so I hope that gives me a boost. My psych also recommended changing to a new anti-depressant/anxiety drug which I will be doing soon. Maybe all this will combine to help w/my various issues. I can also relate to the deep internal pain that you speak of (although my past is notably different). I think most of why any of us pick has a lot to do w/our childhood, which inevitably carries right on into adulthood. Anyhow, I'm happy to meet you even in this mode of 'net'working. I feel the same way; I wish some of us could actually meet in person. Then we wouldn't feel quite so alone. Wouldn't it be great to find out who lives where and maybe discover someone close enough to visit, and perhaps eventually even develop a real-life support group. What are the odds of that? I live in B.C. Canada. I know people are writing in from all over the world, but where are you?
freeasever
December 05, 2008
Hi Alleaha, thanks for writting me. I live on the other side of Canada, Nova Scotia. Its nice to hear that you have had help before. Maybe I'll have to go back. The woman that I went to was wonderful. See my picking is very emotional. I was molested by a neighbor for a couple of years between ages 5- I think 7. He was our babysitter also. I know that alot of my problems stem from that. I also discovered through therapy that my mother did not know how to be a mother. I have an older brother and when I was 12 my mother had my younger brother. She did not want anymore children. She was very depressed after he was born. My dad worked shift work so when he was working I at age 12 was getting up through the night to heat a pan of water on the stove to feed a baby, then go to school the next morning. I cont. that way until I moved out just before I got married. My little brother often called me mom cause he was so confused. Now I have 2 boys of my own and I feel that it made me a good mother today. When I was 13 I told my mother about the neighbor doing those things to me and she didn't believe me. That was damaging. I did not have much of teenage life. I always had to stay home, clean, cook and raise my brother. I am a home body and the fact of my body being a mess cause of picking some days I do not feel like going anywhere. Good and bad days like everyone I guess. I have a good job working in a hospital with patients and I love it. Then one day my one of my supervisors got wind of my problem and blew it way outta the water. They make me now where long sleeves at work so no one will see them. They say it is for my safety. Ok maybe so. But I am a clean person and always try to look good. Well you know presentable. On my days off I like to dress up even if I have no where to go, just to give myself a boost and forget about my scares for alittle bit. Anyway, my work made me feel so embarressed about my problem and it made it 10 times worse. They keep saying "just stop' if only it were that easy eh? I mean I am not model material for sure, I am an average person. I am 34 and people don't believe me. My kids think I'm cool and my husband loves me and thats what keeps me on track. Does your husband say anything to you? Mine was so proud of me when I stopped and I know though he didn't say was alittle disappointed when I started again. I just feel like why bother to stop when it may never go away. That sounds crazy doesn't it. It would be so good to have someone local to share the scares and constant picking stories with. It would probably help all of us to have that. Before all of this I would not wear sleeveless shirts because of my stretch marks, now I can't wear them no matter what because my arms are covered in red dots and purplish scares. At least we know we are not alone. I am on anti-depressants for my panic attacks and have been on them for about 6 years. I have some prescription cream for my face just to hide some of it. Having it on my face is the worst. My mother also thinks I shouldn't be on pills but I'm 34 a big girl now! I don't think she'll ever get that. I know she means well and I do love her but sometimes I think she is more messed up than me. Anyways feel free to write me. It does seem like we do have alot in common. freeasever
Alleaha
December 07, 2008
Hi FreeAsEver, Thanks for opening up. I totally understand how you feel. I too never wear short sleeves (not even 3/4 length as my scars/sores lead right down to my wrist) or shorts or . . . heaven forbid, a bathing suit. I always tell myself, though, that if I ever did conquer this thing enough so that I no longer had open sores, I would reward myself w/getting a spray tan to camouflage the scars. My current goal is just even to clear up my face and hairline so that I can finally go in and get a much-needed haircut. I've been letting it grow for about 6 months now but it desperately needs some stylin'. As it is, right now I'm too embarrassed to go to a salon. In fact, I stay home more often than not just because of my face. I wish balaclavas were the 'in' thing, don't you? ;P haha Just curious, are you still working at the hospital or are you on stress leave perhaps? That's a major source of anxiety for sure! I've had severe panic disorder for the last 11 years or so, for which I also take anti-depressants. But they only help to control it to a certain extent. The rest is up to me, which explains why life's been such a roller coaster since. Hey, would you be interested in communicating via email? Just leave your address and I'd be happy to write you directly. Otherwise, I do regularly check the forum for new blogs. Talk to you later.
freeasever
December 08, 2008
Hi Alleaha, Sometimes it does good for a person to open up. For some reason I don't brake down when I talk about my history. Prob because I deal with it by picking. I wear long sleeve and 3/4 in summer depending on just how hot it is. All these cute shirts coming out with cap sleeves and I cannot buy them unless I say : "what sweater do I have that would look good with that?" I am still at work. I was told I should look into stress leave but I really don't want to do that. I would miss all the people that do support and understand me. Besides sometimes seeing patients is the rewarding part of my work day. It seems mean but it is a wake up that my life could be worse. We can email. My email is pamtenyenhuis@hotmail.com I am not on the computer all the time but I try to check it every couple of days. Looking forward to hearing from you. Pam

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