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kaw9299 , 16 Dec 2008

I am new to this community . . . please help!

Hello, my name is Karen and I am a CSPer. I have been doing this mostly to my face since I was about 12 years old. I am now 25 and I can't take it anymore. If you can't tell by my intro I am also a recovering addict with three years clean. So I know about the twelve steps and twelve traditions. I am very invovled with the fellowship in my area. However, unfortunately there are no 12 step groups for this behavior, but I want someone to talk to about my problem, a female preferably. I am so insecure about this and terrified. I want to be free from this aweful thing I do to myself, I have very bad scars on my face . . . the scabs hurt and I hate covering everything with makeup, it takes me about 40 minutes every morning to try to cover everything up. I want to be free from that crap . . . I wanna wake up and walk out the door feeling beautiful and confident. Can someone please help me? I would love to talk. Thanks. Karen
6 Answers
Alleaha
December 16, 2008
Hi Karen, I just read your comment and so I say welcome! to the ever-growing group of gougers and the benevolent band of bleeders. I only make jest because since I found this site I have learned to handle this thing w/humor as a result communicating on a more personal level w/other individuals. I am 44 and have been doing the very same thing since I was about 5 when I had the chicken pox. My teens and early twenties weren't so bad, but from then on and esp in more recent years I have cont'd to the point where I've ruined my entire body. I have sunk into very deep depressions over it and become a prisoner in my own home for days or weeks and yes sometimes even months at a time due to the unsightliness. Makeup covers only so much and for some reason doesn't adhere too well to raw flesh. =/ Anyhow, I hope you are able to find some encouragement now that you've found us. As many others have mentioned, in all honesty I don't think there is actually a so-called 'cure' for something like this. However, and as you can attest to w/another issue, I believe it can be controlled to a certain extent. To what extent depends on each of us as individuals w/our own personal set of circumstances, anxieties, background, etc. I've come to accept that I might not be able to go as long as some w/o picking or perhaps even longer in some cases. But the main thing is to NOT GIVE UP! For me, just knowing that I am not the only one in the world who battles this thing--which I can now identify by name--gives me tremendous strength to keep trying and perhaps in some small way help others in the process. I don't know if you've looked into counselling for this in particular, but I've recently discussed it in more detail w/my psychiatrist (since I also have severe panic disorder, generalized anxiety, depression, and social phobias for which I take medication), and have arranged an appt to see a mental health therapist this week to help me address it. I know what pain lurks beneath the surface and I'm ready to finally deal w/it. It's caused me a lot of heartache and frustration my whole life. Now is the time to be free! I so want to get back into life, so I decided recently to go for a consultation at a laser esthetics centre just out of curiosity to see if this might give me the motivation I need. My face is my main concern because everything else I can continue to cover up w/clothing. But one step at a time, right? If I can reach this one goal it will give me hope for the rest of my body. And so w/a few special skin products in hand I have been able to avoid picking my face long enough for them to heal. Now I want to consider my options for treating the scars, i.e. microdermabrasion, chemical peels, or laser treatment, etc. Of course, the cost is bigger than my pocketbook but for me at this point I can't put a price on my sanity, so if I have to arrange for a payment plan then so be it. I'll view it as my reward for success. For all that I've been through over the years, I know that since I am the one doing this to myself then I am also the very one who can make a difference. And I do this not only for myself but for every last one of us who wants to believe it is possible. That in itself is a powerful motivator! Hang in there Karen and don't give up, ever . . .
kaw9299
December 17, 2008

In reply to by Alleaha

Alleaha, thank you so much. I just feel so low and aweful. It is hard to walk around with this everyday, this feeling of total nastiness, that I am a disgrace, that I am ugly, that I suck, I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I mean this is the feeling I used drugs over. I used herion for about four years and for that four years I still picked, but at least I did not have to feel the axienty and pain. I am trying to apply the 12 steps to this aspect of my life and today it did not work. I have a huge zit on my cheek that I just had to pop. They actually hurt really bad, and now I am afraid that it will be there over Xmas when I have to see my BF's family. I can't even go without make up around my BF and we have been together for about 8 months. I am seeing a dermatologist, but I have not told him about my picking habit . . . do you think I should? I am so embarassed about it though, I haven't even told my BF. I feel like I am such a liar. God, I hope I can get through tomorrow without picking. I am praying.
Kris13tina
December 18, 2008
Hi Karen, I'm Kristina. I am new here, too, and have pick a few years now. I am going to try once more (since this website gives me strength to hang on) to quit picking for a NEW YEARS Resolution. If it won't work, then I'm calling a doctor. I need something, it makes me filled with anxiety what I've done, and it makes me sad n depressed. I AM GOING CRAZY!
LACME1965
December 20, 2008
Hello Karen, I just want you to know that I know exactly how you feel. I'm 43 and have been doing this for years. I have bipolar and have been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for years - and I never told them about this problem. I even went to see a dermatologist and chickened out when I got there. I ended up saying I was there just to get something for acne. A couple of weeks ago I found this site- and it really opened my eyes. I guess it made me face the fact that this is a real thing - a real problem that I have. I finally ended up telling both my therapist and my psych - and now it is something we are going to focus on. I also know the feelings of hate and embarrassment. I've been married for 16 years, and although my husband is aware of the picking (he'll tell me to stop if he sees me), I do a very good job of hiding the worst parts. Hang in there, get help if you can, and feel free to email me directly - lconley@maine.rr.com.
LACME1965
December 20, 2008
Hello Karen, I just want you to know that I know exactly how you feel. I'm 43 and have been doing this for years. I have bipolar and have been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for years - and I never told them about this problem. I even went to see a dermatologist and chickened out when I got there. I ended up saying I was there just to get something for acne. A couple of weeks ago I found this site- and it really opened my eyes. I guess it made me face the fact that this is a real thing - a real problem that I have. I finally ended up telling both my therapist and my psych - and now it is something we are going to focus on. I also know the feelings of hate and embarrassment. I've been married for 16 years, and although my husband is aware of the picking (he'll tell me to stop if he sees me), I do a very good job of hiding the worst parts. Hang in there, get help if you can, and feel free to email me directly - lconley@maine.rr.com.
luckyla1024
December 23, 2008
Hi Karen- I'm new here too, and like you I started picking when I was about 12. I'm 24, and I have never been able to control my symptoms. Even though I have been dealing with this problem for so long, it never occurred to me that there might be other people out there with the same thing...I always felt so alone with it, like I was the only one in the world. It is so comforting just to know that there are others out there. I have been in therapy for OCD and anxiety for about a year now, and while that has helped to reduce how much I pick my skin, it has not eliminated it, which of course is the ultimate goal, right? My therapist has been having me read about 12 step programs, because she feels the best way to treat my disorder will be to treat it as an addiction. But it's hard knowing there are not really 12 step programs out there for this... it makes it that much harder. Your post really resonated with me, and I would love to talk too. My instant messenger is luckyla1024 on Yahoo.

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