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I feel like dying...
Hi everyone... I've been lurking this site for 2 years, reading every topic, but never felt brave enough to write anything. Well, tonight I'm SO depressed that I don't care anymore! Sorry if this post will be long and if my english isn't perfect, it's not my first language and I'm tired (it's almost 4 am here). I'm a 31 year old woman living in Japan and working as a teacher, but recently my husband and I had to go to my country because of the big earthquake and the Fukushima nuke plant disaster. Currently we're staying with my family and trying to relax, even if we're very worried and don't know what to do. Anyway, my story: I began to pick at my face at 15, when I got the first blemishes. My mother taught me how to squeeze blackheads and pimples, so I guess I went OCD with that! Then at 17 I began picking at my eyebrows, arms, legs and bikini area... of course I spent years being ashamed of myself, caking up my face with makeup and hiding my body every summer. Luckily I completely stopped to pick at my body when I was 27: I finally realized that waxing was the cause of my ingrown hair, hence the picking. I skipped to a simple razor and never got ingrown again, so nothing to pick at anymore. Too bad I can't do the same with my face!! I suffer from PCOs since puberty and when I was 16 the doctor got me on the pill, which has been a godsend for my skin. I tried many type of pills, like Diane and Yasmine, but eventually 2 years ago I had to get off cause I was getting capillaries on my legs, major headaches, and was never on the mood for sex. So I started picking at my face again and now I suffer from a severe case of dermatillomania. I'm lucky enough not to have real inflamed acne, a part from the occasional hormonal breakout: all I get are some clogged pores, blackheads and sometimes small whiteheads (which may turn into cystic acne if squeezed)... but of course I squeeze everything I can find until all it's left is raw skin. I also dig out blemishes and cysts with tweezers, I can pick for hours and hours without realizing. In the last 2 years I got so many scars it's insane! :( I have indented scars, white scars, slightly raised scars, red spots, brown spots, everything. I've NEVER been able to stop picking for more than 3 days, ever. Believe me, I've tried so many times, I want to stop so hard, but I can't! Skin picking is destroying my life. Every time I pick I don't want to leave the house for days, so usually I'm like a recluse. Such a shame, since a I'm a pretty, funny and lovely woman, but this has changed my personality and turned me into a very shy person, always hiding from others, cancelling plans, skipping dates with friends, etc. My husband is a very sweet and supportive man, he knows about my picking and tried to help me in the past, but now he seems discouraged. My friends don't know. My parents did know I picked when I was a teenager, but always scolded me and acted like it was my fault (alas: "Just stop it, idiot!"). Last week I was doing so well: I was still picking but careful not to break the skin, since I'm staying at my parents' home and meeting lots of people. I tried so hard, I felt confident to break the habit, my face was looking so much better! Sounds impossibile but I also have some periods where my skin recovers and looks almost normal with minimal makeup: in those (rare) days I feel so good, happy and confident! But then I just start picking again, even harder, until my face is mutilated. And everything begins agains, the eternal cycle of healing-picking-healing-picking. Which is exactly what happened some hours ago: I picked for 4 hours and destroyed my face. Now I have many open wounds that'll turn into scabs, and my skin is all red and swollen... I look like a disgusting meth head. This shit simply never ends and I'm so tired, sad and scared. I feel empty and exhausted. I don't know what to do anymore. I know tomorrow I won't be able to hide this disaster, no matter how much makeup I'll cake on. Just thinking about this, about the questions my mother will ask (alas: "my god, what have you done to your face?!?"), makes me want to sleep forever. Please, someone help, I feel like dying.
In reply to Hi Yuuki, my heart goes out by Yami
In reply to Hi Yami! Thank you so much by Yuuki
In reply to Hello again Yuuki; Hang in by Yami