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new day girl , 30 Apr 2012

One day at a time. Feel free to join in!

I feel incredibly thankful to have found this website. I don't know about all you but I have lived most of my life thinking that I was the only one who had this problem and because of that I have so much shame associated with my picking habit. I've been struggling with this for about 16 years. I've tried to conquer the skin picking at least a hundred times (literally) and failed usually within a week. I've come to realize that I can't do this on my own. It's become a cycle of trying so hard to stop, caving into my anxiety and habit and then feeling ashamed and hopeless. Yesterday at church the message was titled "The Me I Want to Be" and we focused on things in our life that hold us back. Habits, destructive behavior, ect. Our pastor asked these questions for us to internally process: Am I keeping my struggles to myself? Am I isolating myself from others? When are the times when I am most likely to fall? Do I have defined boundaries in the area of my weakness? Are there things that I need to remove from my life today? As I pondered these questions I felt this battle rising up within me. I know I can't fix this compulsive disorder on my own but I'm not ready to give up. The first step I'm taking is to realize I can't do this on my own. I'm praying to the One who created me. I'm recognizing that He knows me better than I know myself. The second step is to share this someone/anyone and I figured this forum is the perfect place to be open and honest. I plan on posting daily as to my progress in taking steps to find freedom from the skin picking. Feel free to join me! After trying just about everything on my own and failing, I believe I need to find counseling. That is something else I'll be working toward. I want to be as real and open as I possibly can in these posts. I hope you can find encouragement and hope. Oh yeah, and here's just a little about me. I'm a 28 year old mother of a 3 year old and we're expecting a little boy in October. We live in Oklahoma.
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Knao
May 08, 2012
Hey, I've had dermatillomania for just over 4 years and I just decided to start a blog, i'm gonna post what helps me everyday and what i find is working. I'm having counselling at the moment and its really helping to sort out all my thoughts out loud and to pin point why im doing this to myself. Check it out if you want =) http://ihavedermatillomania.wordpress.com/
new day girl
May 09, 2012
Day 8. Still doing well despite all my breakouts at the moment. Got too close to the mirror though, really really wanted to pick and had to pull it together to step away. Note to self, DO NOT lean over the sink!
skreed29
May 10, 2012
my 8th day, i picked at 2 spots. nothing to devastating, and i dont think it set me back in healing, but i said i was going cold turkey so i made yesterday my new day 1. it went well, im seeing so much healing in my face ! (: i guess once you get past a certain point the physical healing goes very fast. i cant remember the last time my face looked this good. i have a LOT of hyperpigmentation but texturally it looks pretty awesome. im very glad too, because i have several big events coming up that i was hoping to look pretty for (: jeez i hope the compulsion doesnt suck me back in.
skreed29
May 11, 2012
day 2. successful. i did my makeup and went out and i actually felt pretty for the first time in a long time (: feels like its almost becoming a habit to NOT pick !!!!!!!!
new day girl
May 11, 2012
Day 9 and Day 10. It is definitely getting harder in some ways each day. Probably because this is usually when I give up. My skin is breaking out everywhere, I think because of all the pregnancy hormones. Not making this process easy on me. As I've said before, I allow myself to pick at two spots each morning because trying to quit cold turkey never works for me. (When I say picking at two spots I don't mean spending probably 20 seconds picking) So far, it has worked great and I've had the self-control to stop after two. Now that there's so much acne, it's really hard to stop at two. But I'm doing it! I had an epiphany two nights ago. I got some saddening news that my younger sister was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I've looked out for her my whole life and feel very maternal toward her. So the news was very hard to take for me. In the midst of thinking about everything, I felt the extreme urge to have a picking session. I even went to the mirror and started for a few seconds before I caught myself. I realized how often this has happened in the past when I'm anxious or worried about something or someone. It must be a coping mechanism for me and maybe doing something busy with my fingers, like picking, relieves the tension. It's good for me to start to connect the dots and see some of the root issues surrounding my OCD.
skreed29
May 11, 2012
10 days is a long time ! im so glad to hear you have made it this long. i think a lot of pickers pick more when they are upset or stressed out. growing up i was always very distant from my family, and usually only had one friend that i kept close. i always felt alone, and i think thats how it all started. i figured out relatively recently that when i pick at my face, for me, its somewhat of an escape. when im picking i dont think about anything else, i go into a kind of trance. almost like meditating or something. i can be picking in the mirror for hours, and not even understand what i have done until i take a step back and actually look at myself, then burst into tears. im sorry to hear about your sister, but you shouldnt take it out on yourself. its not your fault and also not something you can change. all you can do is be supportive, and maybe think about how you need to stop picking even more than you thought you needed to before so that you can be stable for her.
skreed29
May 12, 2012
day 3 was good. i really believe that this is my time to heal and overcome my compulsion to pick (:
skreed29
May 15, 2012
days 4 and 5 went well. today i picked at 3 spots, so restarting again tomorrow :/
new day girl
May 15, 2012
Days 11, 12, 13 and 14. Still can't believe that I've made it this far. I haven't ever done this well when I've tried to stop this habit in the past. I did it differently this time though, I realize that I can't do this on my own and posting honestly in this forum has helped me to stay motivated. Also just being real with myself and setting up boundaries with things that have thrown me off track before. Two weeks is a miracle for me when I consider the 100 times (literally) that I've attempted to stop picking. I've been praying for the strength to "move on" when all I want to do is pick. Right now I can tell you that there is at least 40 different places on my skin that I want to pick at. Staying away from the mirror and keeping my hands off my skin are helping me to not go crazy. Unfortunately yesterday, I caved a few times other than the two spots I allow myself to pick each morning. I didn't go to the mirror which is good, I just scratched at something on my back. Once I did it subconsciously and once purposefully. So I'm repeating my 14th day. I'm still encouraged and so hopeful! If I can do this, you can too.
new day girl
May 16, 2012
Redo day 14. I was determined not to repeat it again so I did well! Gotta stay focused on the goal.
skreed29
May 16, 2012
day one, again. no picking but im pre menstrual and breaking out on my chin and jaw area. there are 4 or 5 notably big annoying painful spots i need to keep my mind and fingers away from. im happy to report that the rest of my face is really clearing up nicely, though.
Gixxer
May 17, 2012
I've been a scalp and back picker for many years. My father picks his scalp and my son does also. Did we watch our parents doing it and then just started doing it too? I have occassionally stopped for a period of weeks but it always starts in again. I've never tried meds or counseling to deal with it but perhaps I should since it seems to be worse. Yes, it's embarrassing but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I just hope it doesn't cause massive infections. My hands seem to need to be busy all the time. I garden alot and play the piano so at least I'm not picking while doing things like that. I've even started wearing a skullcap at times. It helps when I wear it. but after awhile I just throw it off and resume the compulsion. I just read a primatologists book about baboons. They often sit around and groom each other perhaps if we were to sit around and groom each other, we wouldn't feel the need to self-mutilate. Just a thought. Thank you for this website..
skreed29
May 17, 2012
i think some of us definately do aquire the compulsion from watching our parents. there are lots of other reasons though too. neither of my parents ever had any kind of ocd, but me and my older brother both do. he is also a skin picker. also, neither me or my brother had a very positive relationship with our parents growing up. counseling may be a good step to take to help you overcome your compulsion to pick, but if you can avoid medication, i think it would be wise. even if a drug could get you to stop picking temporarily, i think this kind of thing is a mental/emotional struggle that we need to overcome without mind altering chemicals. best of luck !
skreed29
May 17, 2012
so im having a bad day. i picked a little bit again yesterday and decided that its time to take a new approach. im going to set a goal for myself to go a week with NO picking, and if i make it i will reward myself. me and my boyfriend are having some issues lately, nothing we havent been through before but its been like this for a few days and its very frustrating. sometimes i want to turn to picking for comfort, i have stopped myself in every case except for last night (i only picked at 4). im feeling really ugly and insecure today, and crying a lot. i think probably pms has a lot to do with it but that doesn't make it less depressing ): im really going to feel crappy if i cant make it through the week. i need happy energy
new day girl
May 17, 2012
I'm sorry that you're having a bad day. When I'm upset about something or someone, it always triggers my picking. Look at it this way, at least you know yourself and picking habits a bit better after a day like today. Of the million times I failed at trying to quit picking, I learned a little more about my weaknesses each time. I'll be rooting for you this week! I was just reading your earlier post and, like you, I have a sibling that has a similar OCD with biting her fingernails back really really far. Her and I both went through difficult things in our childhood and I wonder if these habits somehow lessened the anxiety. Neither of my parents had these compulsions, so in my case, I didn't learn it. Although, I'm really careful about picking in front of my daughter who is 3. Anyway, just thoughts about root causes.
new day girl
May 17, 2012
Day 15, resisting. I really just keep thinking that I want to go to the mirror and have a picking session. Where two hours later I feel like I can start over and feel like my skin is "cleaned out" so to speak. But then the impending regret would set in and my face would look horrible and I'd probably give up for a while. I'm guessing that my skin's condition now is actually how everyone else's skin is (non pickers) all the time. They just let their skin do it's thing. So, I'm resisting. I'm resisting, I'm resisting several times a day. Shake it off, shake it off. This is hard work!
skreed29
May 18, 2012
i can soooooooo relate to wanting to feel like your skin is clean. i get this feeling when i break out and dont pick at it, that its my fault that my skin looks so bad because im not doing anything about it, even though not picking is the best thing to do, no matter how i FEEL. you're right, though. you've just got to shake it off ! i know this probably sounds wierd and it may not be a helpful thing for you at all, but sometimes when i have a strong urge to pick, instead, i just shave every single thing on my body below my eyebrows. even things that dont have hair, it makes me feel like a freak but atleast i dont pick ! and im not doing anything thats self destructive. i get a 'clean' feeling from shaving everything, not the same clean feeling that i get from picking but its still pretty satisfying and i dont regret it and start crying immediately afterwards.
mgum
May 22, 2012
I can relate to the "cleaning out" of the skin" statement. I love to use magnifying mirrors, tweezers or cuticle trimmers and hate the bleeding, am embarrassed by it, but it does something for me I can't explain.\

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