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edhilo , 19 Sep 2013

What am I avoiding?

So I am just like everyone here. Compulsive. Obsessive. Self Destructing. And so tired of the roller coaster of emotions that comes with skin picking. Im sure you understand. I look at my friends, and they are living these incredible lives. I see these pictures of them living life to the fullest and I feel horrible, because Ive always let picking allow me to disengaged, not participate, when its really bad, completely isolate. I have this feeling of who I truly am, and the life I want to live, yet there is mental obsession, and self destruction in my way. I feel like I have to wear make up (I don't want to anymore! It feels horrible), and since I have to wear makeup exercising feels awful because Im paranoid about my skin showing and pores getting clogged. I cant wear clothes I want to wear due to scabs and scars in places most people would never have them! I dont like being in direct sunlight. I dont like pictures taken of me. I constantly feel like I am not good enough for the people in my life...... So my question to everyone is: what are you afraid of? WHyy would I pick during the worst and most inconvenient times? Instead of living the life I want, I feel trapped inside this insanity. I know this is a tough question, but I really would love to hear about what you think you are avoiding. Because I cannot understand why I keep doing this to myself. I cant understand what could be SO frightening that I would rather self destruct for a decade, than face whatever it is. Please give any experience, strength, and hope, and most of all honesty. I need some clarity.
3 Answers
September 19, 2013
Your post hit the nail on the head. I've been self-destructing for 25 years, and it's just within the past few years that I've realized (1) how much time I've lost to it, and (2) that it's always in avoidance of something or in response to stress. My general conclusion is that I use it to take attention away from chaos in my life. I've had a lot of things going on in the past 10 years particularly, and it's now showing. People used to tell me I should audition for milk commercials because I looked so healthy; now, I have way too many days that I won't leave the house. I've never had a pimple in my life, yet my face looks like I've suffered from a lifetime of acne. Re: avoidance, in my case, I'm avoiding the stress of life. Once everyone goes to bed, that's when I do my damage. I recently left it alone and my skin was fairly decent... then I lost my job, fell into bad financial circumstances... I'm a single mom... my car is falling apart. A lot of my stress is money-related - and the skin nonsense is my way of avoiding doing the constant, 24/7 string of neverending (money) math.
September 20, 2013

In reply to by sweeticeblue

You hit the nail on the head for me sweeticeblue, I can definitely see myself picking to avoid dealing with money math. My parents were reckless with money so I never learned how to manage my own. My fiance has tried to help me and I did very good for a while but as my life became more stressful I didn't want to deal with it and still don't, in fact i often lie about spending money b/c i'm ashamed to tell him he can't trust me, I want to be trustworthy but I justify it like what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Its usually on fast food and vending machine purchases cuz i figure low chance of him finding out. :( this of course leads to much shame followed by picking, like i'm punishing myself. I've had low self esteem for most of my life, the only time it was anywhere near high was when I met my fiance, i was skinnier and had clearer skin, so i felt more outgoing, which is what he was attracted to. I think alot of my issues stem from having two siblings who were often in the spot light and surrounded by friends where as I often struggled to make and keep friends. My teen years were very lonely, I had few friends and was pretty much an outcast. I was known as "dj's sister" and he is my younger brother, isn't that pathetic? Then there was my beautiful older sister whom i like to call little miss Suszie high school b/c she was president of ski club, and student council, also homecoming queen probably prom queen and I think snowball princess or something. All my friends wanted to be her and I too looked up to her but she never took an interest. There's plenty more, I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with my head. But that's enough of my baggage for now. See you around the board, good luck finding your triggers.
September 20, 2013

In reply to by LawGirl123

I hear you loud and clear. We might have different stories but the emotions and the results are very much the same. There's a common ground among everyone facing this issue... all we can do is support each other. I know my money math isn't going to resolve anytime soon (sounds like yours isn't, either), so it's not like I can just "eliminate my stress," as is so often prescribed.

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