The Messy and Magnificent Truth About Recovery

When you think of “recovery”, what comes to mind is probably the stereotypical ideal of “one and done”, a linear step-by-step to success. You simply get treatment and stop, in this case picking your skin. If only recovery were that easy. (Spoiler alert: relapses happen)

The fact is true recovery, whether it’s for skin picking, another mental health issue, or an addiction, is never a straight upward climb. It can be messy. It can be rewarding. It can be exhilarating, and it can be fraught with twists and turns, stumbles and falls too. 

One of the biggest challenges in recovery work is letting go of perfectionistic ideas about what it should look like. It’s the expectation of perfection that can keep you stuck and feeling defeated when actually, failures are part of learning and growth. Let’s take a closer look. 

Relapse Isn’t Failure 

When a relapse happens, you might think, “How am I back here again? I thought I was doing everything right.” It can be frustrating. But what you might not know is that relapse has a purpose. 

From a treatment perspective, relapse is a normal and expected part of the process. We learn by doing, by trial and error. When a relapse happens, it provides important information about your strengths, your vulnerabilities, and what support you might still need. It's not a sign that you “can’t” recover or that you’ve failed. It’s a sign you’re still learning. And that’s a good thing!

Here's another way to think about recovery: Say you’re learning how to dance. You weren’t born knowing how to do that so your first attempts might be rather awkward. You might watch others. You might even take lessons. If you’re struggling with learning the steps or stepping on your partner’s toes a few (or a few hundred) times, you wouldn’t just stop and say learning to dance is pointless. You’d get instruction, you’d practice the new skills you’re learning, and eventually, you’ll develop some skills. Now, there are lots of dances and you might have to learn other kinds of steps. You’ll still be learning and yes, stumbling at times. Is it all for naught? Are you just “bad at dancing”? Of course not. You’re learning. And learning most skills is a long, sometimes life-long process. 

Recovery works the exact same way. Setbacks are feedback, not failures, and they don’t define who you are. They invite reflection, not shame. 

One of the secret hidden powers of relapse is that it can lead to greater resiliency, a key factor in recovery. Over time, you learn to catch warning signs earlier, to ask for help sooner, and the importance of extending grace and compassion to yourself. In other words, each stumble is an opportunity to sharpen your skills just a bit more so you can roll with whatever your healing experience brings.  

Grieving Losses

One of the hardest parts of recovery for many to understand is the grief that comes from giving up long-used coping mechanisms, even ones that caused harm. 

These coping mechanisms once brought you relief. They helped you survive. Giving them up means confronting the deep, real feelings they once kept at bay. It’s kind of like saying goodbye to a relationship you had with a part of yourself. 

This “surprise” grief is a phenomenon that therapists see often in people working towards recovery. The assumption is that stopping a behavior (like picking) will immediately bring relief, and when it doesn’t, the person is sometimes left feeling confused and unsure. 

Honoring the grief process is part of the treatment and recovery process. It’s ok to talk about it, feel it, and respect the history behind your old patterns. It’s all part of letting go of what no longer serves you and building healthier ways of coping.  

Symptom Reduction vs. Functional Improvement

Another pitfall of perfectionism in recovery is tying success only to symptom reduction. It’s tempting to measure progress solely by whether you picked your skin or not. While symptom relief is important, it's not the only measure of healing.

Equally important is functional improvement. How do you live your life even if/when symptoms are present? 

• Are you able to still go to work or school even if you’re feeling insecure after a picking episode?
• Can you ask for help if you’re struggling?
• Can you attend a social event even if you’re worried about interacting with others?
• Are you showing up for yourself even when that inner critic is being loud?

It might not feel like it in the moment but these small acts of resilience and determination are powerful. And empowering!

Over the course of recovery, it’s not uncommon to see that the people who make the most profound changes are not always the ones who are symptom free. More often, they’re the ones who have found ways to manage their discomfort while living their lives. They focus on building resilience and flexibility. They practice self-compassion and understand that their symptoms do not define them. Put more simply, they build a rich, fulfilling life around their challenges rather than letting their challenges dictate their path. Sometimes it’s about functioning better, even when it’s hard. 

Healing Is Measured in Moments

Ask any clinician about their experience working with clients and they’re bound to tell you a simple truth that is sometimes hard to see: healing is measured in tiny, subtle shifts. Contrary to what you might think, some of the greatest progress lies not so much in spectacular achievements but more in those quiet little moments of doing what you thought you couldn’t:

• The first time you give yourself grace for making a mistake rather than berating yourself. 
• The first time you are able to ask for what you need. 
• The first time you confidently set a boundary and say “no”.  

These subtle moments are not loud and flashy but carry a quiet strength. They are the building blocks of true change.

The Takeaway

Recovery is a journey. It’s not perfect nor is it meant to be. Having a relapse plan and knowing what to do can help ease the worry and give you tools to get through that time. 

Remember, there’s power in learning and when you embrace the messy, imperfect nature of recovery, you open the way to growth and healing.  

References

1. https://williamsburgtherapygroup.com/blog/is-healing-linear-how-mental-health-ebbs-and-flows