“Why Can’t I Stop Skin Picking?” Understanding Urges with Compassion (Not Shame)

“I just want to stop doing this to myself.”
“I don’t understand why I do this.”
“I know I’m doing it, and I tell myself to stop, but I can’t. And that’s devastating.”
“No matter how hard I try, and even when I do well for a while, I always start picking again.”
“It doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to do this to myself, but I can’t stop.”

If these thoughts have ever crossed your mind, you are not alone.

You are not alone in the experience of skin picking, and you are not alone in the frustration, guilt, or self-blame that so often comes with it.

Many people begin therapy carrying this exact story: trying again and again to stop on their own, only to feel like they’ve failed when the behaviour returns. Even moments of progress can feel overshadowed by relapse, as though skin picking has somehow “won.”

But what if that’s not the full picture? What if something else is happening beneath the surface- something less obvious, but important? 

The Story of Skin Picking

In the early stages of therapy, it’s common for strong emotions to surface around skin picking and the urges that drive it. For many, even talking about it can feel overwhelming. Shame is often close by, whether directed at the behaviour or at oneself. 

Sometimes, we gently try something different.

Instead of seeing skin picking only as something to fight, we begin to tell its story, as if it were a character.
When did it first show up?
How did it grow over time?
What kept it around?
What has it been “doing” for you all these years?

Approaching it this way can feel unfamiliar at first. But it often creates something important: space.

Space to begin relating to skin picking not only as something distressing, but also as something that might carry meaning, something that may be trying to communicate.

In therapies like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this kind of space allows us to notice urges without immediately acting on them.

What Might Be Underneath the Urge

Once that space opens up, we can start to gently explore a different question:

Why this behaviour?

Not as a form of blame, but as a way of understanding.

Because underneath what we can see- the marks on the skin, the worry about how others might react, the urge to hide, there is often something deeper.

Skin picking doesn’t appear out of nowhere.
 It often develops for a reason.

And while the behaviour itself may feel upsetting or unwanted, it may have once served a purpose, perhaps helping to soothe, regulate, distract, or cope in moments that felt difficult to manage.

This doesn’t mean we justify it.
 But it does mean we can begin to soften our relationship with it.

And in that softening, something shifts, from judgment to curiosity, from shame to understanding.

A Different Way of Understanding Urges

Over time, a new kind of story can begin to emerge.

Instead of focusing only on the visible impact of skin picking, attention shifts to what’s happening underneath to the intention behind the urge.

What if urges are not just something to resist…
 but something to listen to?

When we slow down, even briefly, we may start to notice that urges carry information. They can reflect stress, overwhelm, boredom, anxiety, tension, or even the need for comfort or release.

If we consider that skin picking may have been the best available strategy at the time, then urges begin to feel less like enemies and more like signals.

Messages that may have been there all along but were hard to hear through the noise of self-criticism and shame.

Learning to Listen (Gently, and at Your Own Pace)

At first, this way of approaching urges can feel unfamiliar, even overwhelming.

So it’s important to go slowly.

Noticing one urge.
Pausing, even for a moment.
Getting curious about what might be underneath it.

This isn’t about forcing change overnight. It’s about rebuilding a connection, with your body, your emotions, and your internal experiences.

And from that place, something new becomes possible: a response that feels more supportive, more intentional, and more aligned with what you actually need.

Skin Picking as a Messenger

With time, many people begin to experience a shift.

Skin picking is no longer seen only as something “bad” or something to fight against—but also as something that has been trying, in its own way, to help.

A messenger.

Not a perfect one.
Not always a helpful one.
But one that didn’t have a better way of communicating at the time.

And when we begin to understand the message, we open the door to finding new, more supportive ways of responding.

You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone

Learning to understand your urges and respond to them differently, is not something you have to do by yourself.

With the support of our programme and experienced therapists, you can begin to make sense of what your urges are trying to communicate, and develop new ways of responding that feel more supportive and sustainable.

You are not broken.
And you are not alone in this.

References

1. Anderson, S., Clarke, V., & Thomas, Z. (2023). The problem with picking: Permittance, escape and shame in problematic skin picking. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 96(1), 83–100.
2. Grodinsky, A. M. (2022). A Journey to Authenticity: An Autoethnography of Compulsive Excoriation (Skin Picking) Disorder.
3. Montali, L., & Garnieri, S. (2024). Feeling uncomfortable in your own skin: A qualitative study of problematic skin picking in Italian women. Current Psychology, 43(14), 12870–12881.